Return to Pegasus
by IantojJackh
Summary: With his memory of the last 3 years gone, Rodney struggles to get his life back together. McKeller fic. COMPLETE
1. Prologue

**Return to Pegasus by KAT**

**NOTE: I don't own the characters. This is all for fun. Enjoy. Contains spoliers for season 5. Story starts to take place in July 2010.**

Jennifer Keller wanted nothing more than to get at least two hours of good sleep. She couldn't recall the last time she had gotten a decent amount of sleep and knew once she returned to Atlantis that was going to difficult. A quiet snorefrom the sleeping form next to her caused Jennifer to laugh to laugh to herself. All that she could see from poking out from the covers was a tuft of brown hair. She reached over and ruffled her fiancé's hair. Jennifer heard him mumbl something, but it was too incoherent to make any sense of it.

Her fingers stopped over the tiny scar near the top of his right forehead. It was a constant reminder of how she let her feelings get the better of her, causing her to miss the parasite that almost robbed him of his life. A few months after that he returned the favor and saved her life at the fiasco at Kramer Innovations. The doctor leaned over and kissed the small scar and then pulled down the covers so she could rest her head on his shoulder. She still got still butterflies every time he seemed to unconsciously turn and wrap his arms around her. Jennifer turned her head to look up at the love of her life and she swore she saw the blue eyes peak open to look at her. "I see that, Rodney. Pretending to sleep, very slick." her voice soft but mixed with a slight laugh.

Rodney McKay opened his eyes fully. He was too excited to sleep. Atlantis was finally returning to the Pegasus Galaxy. It had taken a year and a half to fix the damage to the city and convince the IOA to let the city return to Pegasus. "Couldn't sleep." the man said sheepishly. McKay would never admit it, but he enjoyed when she played with his hair like that.

"I see that." she reached for his hand under the covers. "Next one is yours because I want to sleep."

"Yes, Jennifer," the physicist said with a teasing roll of his eyes.

"Don't you start with me." the tired woman poked him lightly in the chest. She knew Rodney was kidding and knew he would get up. It would be three months tomorrow that he gave her one of the greatest gifts she could ever ask for... actually it was two and their names were Elizabeth and Arthur.

It was almost on cue that the tiny cry was heard from the adjoining room. Whoever said twins should be kept on the same schedule obviously never had them. Arthur was as restless as his father and Elizabeth calm like her mother.

"And that would be our son. Sleep tight, " Rodney leaned over and softly kissed his partner's lips. She was the only who saw this side of him and it was usually only in privacy, but on occasion he showed it in public. Going back to Atlantis would be a new test as only a handful of the base personal knew about the twins.

Jennifer smiled as the older man left the room. As much as Sheppard made fun of Rodney about how scary it was that McKay was a father, Rodney was a great father to both infants and they even went so far as to make John the twin's godfather.

The father quickly made his way into the nursery to get his crying son before Elizabeth was woken up by the crying. "What's wrong? Hungry?" Rodney spoke to his son as he picked up his son. Just being in his father's arms seemed to quiet Arthur a little, but the infant was still whimpering. "Lets get you something to eat before you wake your sister who will then wake mommy and we will have two cranky girls on our hands. And nooooo we do not want that." he rocked the tiny boy as they walked into the living/kitchen area. The apartment was empty except for a few necessities as the majority of the contents had already been moved to their quarters in Atlantis. It took the better part of an hour to get Arthur fed and changed. Instead of heading back to the sparse nursery, the father and son fell asleep on the couch, knowing in about two hours mother and daughter would wake them up.


	2. Chapter 1 Journey Begins

**Return to Pegasus by KAT**

**NOTE: I don't own the characters. This is all for fun. Enjoy. Contains spoliers for season 5.**

**This chapter is also un-betaed. The job is open. I can only catch so many of my own errors/ramblings.**

**Chapter 1- Journey Begins**

John Sheppard stood at the top of steps of the control room and smiled at the flurry of activity below him. This had been a long time coming: Atlantis was returning to its Pegasus home. He looked back and saw Richard Woolsey working on some last minute paperwork. Radek was checking the cities power levels, but nowhere in sight was the head of Science. The chief military officer laughed to himself. He knew the old Rodney would have already made sure the power levels had already been double checked. John wondered if McKay had even arrived or were fatherly duties getting in the way of his work duties.

"What is the hold up here?" Rodney said in a sing-song voice that came across condensing only in way he could.

"Looks like parenthood did nothing for his personality," The Czech muttered under his breath. Radek could not help to roll his eyes.

John rubbed the back of his neck, "You are, McKay. Last minute diaper change hold you up?" he grinned at Zelenka .

"Funny. Very funny Sheppard." McKay rolled his eyes as he looked at some of the power data on his tablet. After a moment, he turned to John. "Looks like we are ready. " Rodney snapped his fingers in quick succession as he headed out of the control room. "You too Radek."

Radek mutters some expletives to himself in Czech."Coming…" he said with a huff.

John caught up with the Canadian and put his arm over his shoulder. "So tell me how are my two favorite godchildren doing?"

Rodney stopped short and rolled his eyes, but broke into a smile a second later. "They are great. Perfect in every way. In fact they asked me last night where Uncle John has been. Their godmother finds time to visit. Why not you?"

"Your sister hasn't been commanding a SG team for the past year." The colonel stared at Rodney with disbelief. "Really? They said that?"

Rodney looked at John with one of his_ are you kidding me_ looks. "I know my children are going to be geniuses. Both of their parents are, but at three months that might be pushing it a little." He shook his head, "But you should stop by later to see them. Jennifer will be happy to see you too." The physicist looked back at Radek, "Same goes for you." He waved a dismissive hand. "Enough about my perfect little ones. Time to get this city in the air."

* * *

Jennifer was sitting in the mess hall picking at a sandwich but she really did not have much of an appetite. The twins were in carriers on the table in front of their mother. Elizabeth was wide awake, bouncing happily as she took in her surroundings and next to her Arthur was fast asleep, soundly snoring. "Silly sleepy head," the mother took hers son's hand and kissed it.

Arthur grunted and scrunched up his face as his sleep was disturbed.

His mother laughed at the reaction. "Seems like someone has been taking lessons from daddy, haven't they?" Jennifer turned her attention to the smiling girl and picked her up. She could feel people looking at her and the babies. it had be odd to see children on Atlantis, but after much debate with the SGC and IOA they both had agreed to let her and Rodney bring the twins with them. They said it was easier to allow them on the expedition instead of having lengthy process of finding two new department heads, but part of the doctor knew their decision was because they needed Rodney with his expertise on all things Atlantis. Whatever the reason being in this city was the only place she felt like she truly fit in. Even the year and half on Earth with Rodney they both felt out of place. _The Curse of Pegasus_ was what Rodney liked to call it.

"Excuse me." a soft voice called, but Jennifer did not respond. "Excuse me." the voice said a little louder.

"Yes?" Jennifer was snapped back to attention. "Sorry." She was slightly startled at the person in front of her.

"Do you mind if I sit here? There is no other free spaces," the soft voice of Katie Brown asked, holding a tray. With most of the city off duty everyone seemed to be having reunions here.

Jennifer swallowed hard. This was a surprise to put it mildly. Why after all this time was she coming back to the city. "Sure, Dr. Brown."

"Thank you, Dr. Keller." the botanist sat down and smiled.. Katie looked at the two infants. "They are precious." Katie wasn't sure why she agreed to come back to the city as she had not left on the best terms. "How old are they?"

Keller kissed the top of her daughter's head. "They turned three months last week." she nodded, putting Elizabeth back into her carrier. "This is Elizabeth and the sleepy one is Arthur."

Katie looked nervously at her sandwich. "After Dr. Weir?" She could not miss the ring on the doctor's finger. The ring was quite pretty and by the looks of it very expensive.

Jennifer nodded. "Yes. It was only fitting." she bit her lip and began to twist her ring around her finger. "After everything. We couldn't..." her sentence was cut off by a loud voice behind her. She did not know why she was being so careful to not mention Rodney's name.

"Ah, there are my lovely godchildren." John said as he made his way over to the table. "Isn't this quaint..." he shut his mouth when Jennifer gave him a death glare. He was sure it was something she picked up from Rodney. "Katie long time no see. Welcome back to our humble city." the colonel made some small talk. "If you don't mind I have to borrow Jennifer and these little ones for a bit, Rodney has already yelled at me for not visiting his little geniuses."

Dr. Brown nodded. "We were only sharing a table." she sheepishly looked back at her food. Katie tried to ignore the mention of her ex. _He's moved on and has himself a family no._ It was a very big change from his _I'm not ready_ excuse, but three years was a long time.

"Motherhood has been treating you well, Jennifer." John reached over and kissed her cheek.

Jennifer was glad for the interruption "Thank you," she whispered before her friend had a chance to pull away.

John turned his attention to the two carriers. "They sure have grown in the last month." he went closer to the girl. "Aren't you a pretty one," he laughed as Elizabeth cooed. "Your daddy is going to have to beat the boys off with a stick when you get older."

"Speaking of which, where's Rodney?" Jennifer asked.

"Control room. You know quadruple checking everything. I think he and Radek are almost done." John explained. "Care for some help?"

The mother nodded. "Thanks." Jennifer grabbed her still sleeping son.

Sheppard took Elizabeth and headed toward the exit of the mess hall. When he knew they were out of ear shot of Katie; John turned to Jennifer. "That is weird she is back. After how things ended..."

"I know." Jennifer sighed. "Real smooth mentioning Rodney. "

John nodded. "I always found something odd about those two." he was not sure he she should having this conversation with her when Rodney wasn't here. "But with you it's different. He is different."

The doctor nodded. She knew what John meant and it was nice to know she wasn't the only one who saw the change. "You're a good friend. Just don't let Rodney hear what you said. You know he will deny that he has changed." Jennifer laughed.


	3. Chapter 2 Family Moments

**NOTE: I don't own the characters. This is all for fun. Enjoy. Contains spoilers for season 5.**

**I am posting 2 chapters today. Still looking for a beta-reader. The rating is a little higher for this chapter for sexual situations.**

Chapter 2- Family Moments

There was nothing Rodney could do that would get Elizabeth to stop crying. It had been going on two hours now and it seemed like there was no end in sight. The only thing he could think of was to walk her around on the lower levels of the east pier. It seemed to have worked for Teyla with Torren. There were too many nights that Teyla had caught Sheppard and him racing their radio controlled cars.

"What's wrong?" the father bounced his daughter in his arms, hoping she would finally calm down. He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back. "Why don't you want to stop crying for daddy? Your brother is sleeping. Please sleep too." A noise from behind caused him to turn.

McKay looked around and didn't see anything."Come on my little princess." He went back to trying to calm his daughter, this time trying to sing some lullabies to her.

_Hush, little baby, don't say a word.  
Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird_

And if that mockingbird won't sing,  
Daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,  
Daddy's gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,  
Daddy's gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,  
Daddy's gonna buy you a cart and bull

It took another twenty minutes, but Elizabeth finally calmed down and fell asleep. Rodney continued to hum and sway with the girl for a few minutes until her felt a pair of arms slip around his waist from behind. He almost jumped out of his skin, but knew only one person would sneak up on him like that.

"You know you continue to amaze me." Jennifer whispered with smile. She kissed on the back of Rodney's neck before resting her head on his back. She had been watching him with Elizabeth for a few minutes and was touched by the father/daughter moment. It amazed her how much she really loved this man.

Rodney grinned smugly. "Of course I do. How else am I supposed to keep you around. Wait... how did you know I was here?"

"Radek." She answered simply. Rodney had asked Zelenka to watch over him while he tried to calm his daughter.

"Ah. Yes. Of course. I didn't want her to wake Arthur so we came down here." he sighed softly. "I thought she was going to pass out from all the crying." the scientist smiled.

Jennifer shook her head and crossed over to look at her fiancé in the eyes. He was really adorable when he was like this and right now it was also a turn on. "Let's go back to our quarters, put Elizabeth to sleep and have some time to ourselves." A mischievous grin slid across the doctor's face as she nudged Rodney toward a transporter.

It did not take long for Rodney to figure out what she meant. "Wicked woman...very wicked indeed." he teased. "I love you." He just wanted her to know that in case he hadn't said it lately.

Jennifer smiled and slid one arm around him. "Love you too." another smirk grew across her face. "I'll show you how wicked I can be." Her hand playfully slid up Rodney's back under his shirt.

The scientist bit his lip. He closed his eyes, feeling the hairs on the back of his neck stand. She was not playing fair. Rodney pouted as they stepped into the transporter.

Jennifer did not miss the pout, "Don't like being teased?" she asked. "Or are you not attracted to me anymore?" She teased him some more.

He did not catch onto the teasing and thought he had done something wrong. Rodney stepped out of the transporter and shook his head. "Oh..no...no. I did not mean it like that." he was starting to babble. "It is just..I am very very interested in what you are suggesting. You have no idea how much." he emphasized his last sentence as he paused to open the door to their quarters. "It is just well...you were teasing me. We have to get rid of Zelenka first." he whined. Rodney was relieved that Elizabeth was still asleep and he hoped she stayed that way.

"Thank you, Radek." Jennifer had enjoyed teasing her lover but had forgotten they would need to get rid of their son's babysitter first.

Radek looked between both of them. He could tell that McKay was cranky and Keller was up to something. "You are welcome. See you tomorrow, Rodney." He was ignored as Rodney went to the other room. "Good night, Jennifer." He exited and headed to his lab.

Keller felt bad for teasing Rodney as she did. Jennifer nervously bit her lips as she watched the man put their daughter down in her crib. She walked over to Arthur's crib to make sure he was alright. A soft smile crossed her lips as she watched the small boy did not budge. She exited the nursery and sat on the edge of their bed.

After he was sure that Elizabeth would not wake up, Rodney joined Jennifer in the main room and he was still pouting. "You are mean."

"But you can forgive me, can't you?" Jennifer stood up with a bounce in her step. She did not give him a chance to respond and inched closer and pressed her lips to Rodney's. "I want to finish what I started." she started kissing his neck and knew he was now putty in her hands. She pushed her lover to the bed and grinned as she ran a finger along his jaw.

Rodney would never admit it but he really enjoyed when Jennifer took control like this. "You really are wicked."

Jennifer was pleased at the effect she was having on him. "That is the idea, my dear." She ran her hands through his hair, knowing how much he liked it.

This would be the first the time the couple had made love since Jennifer was five months pregnant. Even at her insistence that it would be okay, Rodney didn't want to take any unnecessary risks. That did not stop them from finding creative ways to be intimate.

A half hour later the couple lay tangled in one another. This was first the time the couple had made love since Jennifer was five months pregnant. Even at her insistence that it would be okay, Rodney didn't want to take any unnecessary risks. "I missed this." Jennifer kissed Rodney's shoulder and then rested her head there.

He nodded. "Me too." Rodney had a thoughtful expression his face.

The medical doctor knew that expression well. "What are you thinking?"

Rodney shifted to face his fiancée. "I want to marry you."

"I know I have the ring, remember?"

"I know. What I mean is really get married. Like picking a real day to do this thing. You in a dress. Me in a tuxedo. Ceremony and all that other weddingy stuff. I know we never talked about a date. Things have been crazy since I proposed and with everything settling down now it would be nice, at least I hope you think it was nice that we make this thing official." Rodney had to stop himself from rambling because he could have continued for a while longer.

Jennifer smiled. "I would like that. When did you have in mind?" She took hold of his hand.

"I don't know. Soon as possible. Couple of weeks? That is enough time. I think it is. The south pier has a nice view at sunset."

"We will talk to Woolsey in the morning. My parent's anniversary was August 26. Could be a nice day." Jennifer yawned. "We should get some sleep."

Rodney agreed with her and it did not take long for the couple to fall asleep.


	4. Chapter 3 A Homecoming

**NOTE: I don't own the characters. This is all for fun. Enjoy. Contains spoilers for season 5.**

**I am posting 2 chapters today. Still looking for a beta-reader. All the drama starts next chapter.**

Chapter 3- A Homecoming

John rocked back on forth on his heals as he stood in the gate room with a extra wide grin on his face. He felt like a kid in a candy store because his old team was finally coming back together. Ronon and Teyla were returning and according to his watch it should be any second now. It had been a little over a year since he had seen them. John thought way too long in his opinion. The IOA had put pressure on the SGC to return the Pegasus _aliens _to their rightful galaxy. It was six months after the city returned to Earth that the Athosianand Satedanwere saying farewell to their friends. With Atlantis returned to M35-117 the Pegasus galaxy natives were allowed to return. The colonel gave a quick look around the room and he saw Richard Woolsey coming toward him.

It was clear to the Atlantis commander that John was excited about this day. The lead exploration team was about to be complete, but the other member already in the city was clearly missing. "I thought Dr. McKay would want to be here for this."

John rubbed the back of his neck, "You know McKay. I woke him up a half hour ago when I called to check if he was ready. So he should be here soon..." his thoughts cut off by the blaring of the gate alarm.

"Off world activation." Chuck called from the control room as he activated the shield. "Receiving Teyla's IDC."

"Lower the shield." Woolsey called to the gate technician. The expedition leader could feel the excitement in the man next to him. Richard could not help but to smile to himself, perhaps the excitement was contagious.

Ronon was the first to come through the gate. "Sheppard," he laughed as he gave his friend one of his bear hugs and lifted John off the ground.

"Chewy, " John laughed as his feet touched the ground. "How have you been buddy?"

"Good." was the simple reply. "Mr. Woolsey." He was always a man of few words. He did not have anything to say to the expedition leader. Ronon never liked the idea of being forced to leave Earth, but it had comforted him to know he would be allowed to return once Atlantis returned to Pegasus.

"Welcome back to Atlantis. I trust you both have been well." Richard played the perfect diplomat.

"John, it has been too long." Teyla greeted her friend in typical Athosian manner.

John was overjoyed that this moment had finally come and it was clear by looking at him. "I'm just glad to have my team back. It hasn't been the same without both of you."

Ronon raised his eyebrow questioningly, "Aren't we missing someone?" he gazed around the room not seeing the last member of their team. He thought after everything Rodney would have been here.

Teyla voiced the same sentiment, "Yes, I expected to see Rodney here."

John shrugged and sighed. He thought Rodney would have been here by now and figured he must have fallen back asleep. "Hold on a minute." he tapped his ear piece. "McKay, this is Sheppard. Come in."

Jennifer was tying back her hair when she heard John calling Rodney over the radio; she thought it could be import but with him in the shower the doctor pick up the earpiece. "Yes, John. What is it?"

Sheppard looked puzzled, however he chose to have a little fun with her. "Rodney? You sound like you had a sex change overnight." The comment drew questioning stares from the trio standing next to him.

"Very funny, John." Ever since she became engaged to Rodney, John felt the need to tease her as he did with her partner.

"Jennifer, where is your other half?"

"Shower. Do you want me to get him? Is it important?"

"Ronon and Teyla just arrived and I thought he wanted to be here for that."

"He did, but Arthur had a little accident and Rodney needed to take another shower. Give us ten minutes and we can be there."

"See you in the mess hall." John clicked off the radio and turned his attention back to his friends. "Rodney wanted to join us, but there was a little problem. Jennifer said the two of them will meet us in the mess in ten minutes."

"Problem? Everything alright?" Teyla showed her concern. It could not be too big of a problem if Rodney was meeting them in ten minutes. Turning to Ronon she smiled. "I believe you owe me a new pair of banto sticks."

John looked between the two. "Wait? What am I missing?"

Ronan looked defeated. "I had bet her that McKay would have screwed things up with Keller."

"But I had more faith in Rodney. I see I was right." she nodded. Teyla knew her time with the two Earthlings had introduced her to the thing they called gambling.

John laughed, knowing it was only a matter of time before his and McKay's little bets would become contagious. "Yes, those two are still together."

"What have you been up to the past year?" The Athosian asked as the group walked to the mess hall.

"Was given my own SG team for a while. It wasn't the same without the three of you. Yes, I missed having Rodney on my team," John answered with a shrug. "You can thank Rodney and Radek for getting this place back in working order. What about you guys?"

Ronon was the first to answer. "Nothing much. Wraith haven't been causing much trouble."

Teyla was next. "I help my people with their new settlement.. Things are going well and Torren has taken a likening to the word no."

"I hear kids been be like that." John responded. Maybe she could give the new parents some pointers. "Speaking of which how are Kannan and Torren?"

"They are well. They plan on rejoining me here in a few days time."

"Sorry we are late. Hope we did not miss anything." Rodney's voice boomed as he looked over at the rest of his teammates. In his arms was Arthur who was amusing himself by sucking on a pacifier. Jennifer stood next to him with Elizabeth who was entertaining herself with a small toy.

"We ran into a small issue. Sorry we could not meet you are the gate." Jennifer added.

The couple took the last free seats at the table. Rodney was trying to gage what kind of reaction. Teyla was an easy read because she was smiling. Ronon on the other hand was... Ronon and it was difficult to figure out what was going on in his head.

"Rodney, Jennifer." Teyla looked between the two infants. "Congratulations. They both are beautiful babies. Jennifer, I had no idea you were pregnant before we left."

"That is because it probably happened at the party we had for you." Rodney said, sticking his foot in his mouth. He winced as felt a hard kick to his shin and immediately started to blush. He knew he had gone too far.

"RODNEY!" Jennifer scolded him. He deserved that kick.

The rest of the team laughed. Leave it to Rodney to make a comment like that.

"Tell me more about these two little angels." Teyla found it amusing how comfortable Rodney seems with his son in his arms when a few years ago he was very awkward while holding Torren.

Jennifer beamed when it came to talking about her children. "They turned three months last week. This is Elizabeth," she nodded to the girl in her arms. "And Arthur." she smiled at Rodney.

"Elizabeth. After Dr. Weir?" Teyla assumed and was given a confirmation nod by both of the parents. The sentiment sat well with Teyla. "And Arthur..." she tried to figure out where the name came from.

John chose to answer this one, "After me!"

"But your name isn't Arthur." Ronon was confused.

"Actually it was McKay's twisted way of naming the kid after me. He refused to just name the boy John." Ever since the second childhood incident Rodney sometimes called John by that name. He thought it was his way of saying thank you for all he did during that time, but with Rodney being Rodney it was his way of expressing it.

"Whatever." Ronon replied. "It still find this whole thing strange, but congratulations to the both of you." The tone was sincere.

"There is one other thing... Something we wanted to ask all three of you." Rodney drummed the fingers of his free hand on the table.

"What is it?" John spoke up on behalf of all three.

"You see. Last night Jennifer and I were talking and we set a date for the wedding. Six weeks from now. Actually August 26th. I wanted to know if you two," he directed his words to John and Ronon. "Um, if you two would stand up for me sorta of, okay not really sort, but actually be my best man. Actually it would be best men since it is two of you." Rodney did not know why he was nervous about this. He also wanted to ask Carson, but he was on permanent assignment at Stargate Command.

John could not resist himself. "Does that mean I get to throw you a bachelor party?" There were so many wicked things he could plan or not by the icy glare that Jennifer gave him.

"What's a best man?" Ronan was not used to Earth customs.

"Just say yes. It's a honor that he is asking you. Plus it means we can torture him for the next six weeks." The colonel explained. This was going to be good.

"Okay, yes then." Ronon was not sure what he was getting himself into, but he would follow John's lead.

Jennifer looked over at Teyla."I would like you to stand up for me as well." The doctor had planned to also ask Marie the same.

"It would be a honor." Teyla was touched that the doctor thought that much of her.

John leaned back in his chair and smiled. This was how things were supposed to be.


	5. Chapter 4 Tragedy

**A/n: I don't own any of this. Except maybe the twins. Hope you like this one because this is where life is not so easy any more.**

**Please leave a reply. It makes me work faster.**

Chapter 4- Tragedy

It had been two weeks since Atlantis returned to M35-117 and life on the base had all but returned to as it was before. Things had been quiet with the Wraith... almost to quiet and it made the senior officers of the expedition worry if something big was to come.

The members SGA-1 along Jennifer sat in the conference room as their commander briefed the team on the mission.

"The village is how far from the gate?" Rodney exclaimed. He looked between everyone one else.

"About fifteen kilometers," Woolsey stated. "And since the gate is in a forested area, the area is only accessible by foot."

"And how long do you expect us to be gone?" Jennifer was worried about her and Rodney being off world at the same time. Marie offered to watch the twins, but she was not comfortable with them both being gone for an extended period. The look on Rodney's face said he was worried about the same thing.

The commander sensed the parent's apprehension. Both of them had been warned that there would be a chance that there would be missions that required them to both be off-world at the same time. "A day maximum. The elder of the villagesaid half of his people have down with a strain of influenza that is not responding to their traditional measures. Also, there has been a report of some Wraith activity near the village."

_"Rodney come in its Radek," The voice came in on the radio._

The scientist sighed and taped his radio, "What is it?" He swore that if this was for something stupid the Czech would be put on overnight duty for a month.

_Radek could hear the annoyance in his boss' voice. "I am receiving some abnormal power readings from Janus' lab and I figure out what is causing it."_

"What kind of readings?"

_"I'm not sure. I know you were down there yesterday. Did you do something?"_

"No. I didn't do anything. What did you touch?" Rodney gestured with his hands, even though the other could not see him. He raised his head and looked at Woolsey.

"See what that is about." Woolsey ordered. He turned to the rest of the team and addressed the commander. "Can you spare Dr. Mckay?"

John nodded. "I think we can manage."

"Of course they can manage. It's best if I stay here to make sure Zelenka does not blow up the city when I am gone." Rodney's outburst drew a raised eyebrow from Jennifer. "Radek I will be there in five minutes." he said into the radio.

Woolsey cleared his throat. "The rest of you will leave right away." Without another word he left the conference room.

Jennifer rushed to catch up with Rodney and grabbed his arm.

He knew what she was going to say, "I will pick Arthur and Elizabeth up from Marie after I fixed whatever Zelenka screwed up."

She squeezed his arm tighter. " Are you okay with this?" It was a relief that both of them would not be gone, but this would be the first time that he would be spending the night alone with the twins.

"Okay with what?" The father asked. "Oh...that. I'll be fine with them. It will be okay. Trust me everything will be fine." he pecked her cheek. "See you tomorrow. Love you." he finished with a cute grin only reserved for her before running to the lab.

Jennifer turned around to see John, Teyla and Ronon with large grins on their faces. "What?" her cheeks flushed.

"Nothing," the three said almost simultaneously. The group headed toward the gate room.

John would tease Rodney mercilessly when they returned from the mission. It was his prerogative to do so as best man and best friend.

* * *

It took three hours to figure that Radek's big problem was actually a big problem if it had not been taken care of. Two of the new lab techs had activated an energy device that built up energy until it reached its maximum capacity and then it would explode. Rodney laid into two techs about not messing around with things they did not know. He gave them the gruesome details of what happened to Dr. Hewston and Dr. Watson. The two were almost in tears after the graphic explanation of exploding lung tumors. In fact he figured it was probably an early prototype of that device.

Incompetence always gave Rodney a headache and after dealing with the lab techs his head was throbbing. _Idiots, every last one of them. _His headache had almost totally disappeared by the time he returned to the living quarters with the infants. Being around his children had a calming effect on the father.

"You two behave while I change," Rodney put the two carriers on the floor next to the bed. It took only a moment to change out of base uniform, but he returned in time to see Elizabeth yawn. "Aww come on. The first night without mommy and you are ready for sleep." He pouted. "I was going to have story time and tell the stories that mommy would smack me for telling you." Rodney bent down to pick up his daughter. "Spoilsport," he teased as he began to rock the small child.

Arthur seemed to think his foot was the most interesting thing he had ever come across and he wasn't going to sleep anytime soon. "At least you aren't going to ditch me."

It took only a few minutes before Elizabeth was sound asleep and Rodney laid the child in her crib, "Sweet dreams, princess." The father kissed his daughters forehead. It amazed him how much she looked like Jennifer except for the eyes. The eyes were all his. Rodney had came a long way from his nervousness around Torren. He was still scared at times, but there were two little lives that depended on him.

"Still playing with those feet I see," Rodney stated the obvious. He was good at that and he knew the boy could not understand what he was saying; it was a comfort to voice his thoughts aloud. "Story time." He lifted the boy out of the carrier. "We just need one more thing." Rodney walked to the desk and grabbed his tablet computer. "What kind of story would it be without pictures?" The father/son duo sat on the bed. Rodney's mind was already formulating the tales he would tell his son. He placed Arthur between his legs so that the boy could be supported and Rodney could work his tablet computer.

"Let's begin with a who's who here." He pulled up a picture of Woolsey from the city's log. "This is Richard Woolsey. He is in charge here. He does a decent job. Not as good as others, like who your sister was named after. Spends most of his free time in his quarters. Not very social."

Next was a picture of John, "This is your Uncle John. He's not really your uncle, but he is the closest thing you will have to one. Never mess with his hair. He will get grumpy with you. He is second in charge here. So you want to butter him up. When you get older you can race RCs with us on the east pier. We can gang up on him and make sure he loses. Saved my life countless times and I did the same for him. You are named after him in a way. One day I will they you the story of it. Mommy doesn't like it when I tell that story. If anything were to happen Woolsey and Uncle John then I would be in charge and then after me is mommy. Mommy and I are pretty important people here. That's how we got the people in charge to let us bring you and Elizabeth here."

"This is Teyla " Rodney said as he changed the picture. "She is very wise. If you ever need advise she should be the one you go to. She also has a son. I delivered him. You two can be friends when you start walking." He enjoyed making plans for their futures.

"Ronon." he pointed to the next picture. "The last member of the team. He can be scary at times. He doesn't say much. John call him Chewie, from Star Wars. You have to watch that movie when can. If you want to learn to hunt, Ronon is the expert."

Rodney brought up one last photo. "This is Radek" he sighed. "He is second command in the science department. He is probably the third smarted person here. After mommy and I, of course. You will hear me yell at him very often. In no time you will be yelling at him too."

After he finished with those that were still on Atlantis, Rodney bought up some personal pictures that were on the computer. The first one was a picture of him and Carson. "That is Carson," Rodney pointed to him in the photo. "He was in charge of medicine before mommy. He died in an explosion, but he was cloned so he is still around. He is stuck working on Earth. Hopefully you will get to meet him again soon. He is one of the best friends I ever had. It hasn't been the same since he is stationed at the SGC and they won't let him out."

There was one last picture to be seen. "This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She was the reason that we got to come to Atlantis. She was patient to put up with me. Died to save us all. She did a great job running the place. She is also who we named your sister after."

The stories went on for another hour. Rodney stopped when he saw Arthur was yawning and fighting sleep. "That is enough of that." he carefully got off the bed. With both of the children sleeping Rodney could get caught up on some work. The boy was sleeping by the time his father put him in the crib. After he made sure Arthur was asleep and would not wake up when he turned his back, Rodney looked into the other crib. Panic set in immediately when he saw a bluish tint to Elizabeth's lips. Rodney's heart was beating so fast he could hear it in his ears. "Elizabeth," he gently tried to rouse the girl from sleep. Nothing. A lump formed in his throat. Rodney tried nudging the girl a little harder. "Elizabeth," his voice grew loud. Rodney's hands started to shake.

"Medical team to my quarters immediately," Rodney screamed into his ear piece. There was a clear tone of extreme fear in his voice. "Elizabeth...she is not breathing." His voice wavered as he forced himself to keep from slipping into total panic mode. Sweat formed along his brow and panic started to consume him. It seemed like an like an eternity since the call was placed, but less than two minutes had passed. He tapped his radio again, "Medical team where are you?" there was desperation in his voice.

The following minutes became a blur. Rodney raced behind the medical team that was working on Elizabeth. The panicked father could not hear the shouts of the team as they worked to revive the child. He could not recall arriving at the infirmary. McKay could feel his vision narrowing. as his head was swam with many unpleasant thoughts_. She has to be alright. Children this young were not supposed to die. She couldn't die. This wasn't right._

This was all a dream and he was going to wake up with Jennifer next to him and the twins sleeping in their cribs. _Come on, wake up. _He tried to will himself out of this situation. A sudden shake brought Rodney back to reality.

"Dr. McKay. What happened?" Marie had been trying to get Rodney's attention for two minutes.

"Huh? What?" Rodney could only concentrate his daughter being worked on. The sound a no pulse on the heart monitor further push him into panic. "I don't know. She going to be alright, isn't she? You got to save her."

The nurse put a hand on the scientist shoulder. She knew it did not look good, but the staff was putting an extra effort since it was a baby and their boss' daughter caused them to put even more effort.

"Don't you start that. I know what that hand on the shoulder is about." Rodney shrugged out of the nurse's grasp. "No." Tears picked the corner of his eyes. "There has to be something. No you can't give up." His face was bright red. "No." His head shook.

Rodney all but lost it when he saw Dr. Cole shake her head and step away from the bed. "No...no... no don't give up." Tears rolled of his cheeks. "Please. Try again. Please." It was a rarity that the he ever used the word please.

Dr. Cole lowered her head. "I'm sorry there is nothing else we can do." Having seen many expedition members die none of them made her feel this level of sorrow. Watching a parent trying to comprehend that their child was gone was not something she had ever wanted to experience.

The heartbroken father felt his legs start to give out and he slid to the floor. "No...no..no." He repeated over and over. There was an incredible pain radiating from the pit of his stomach. It was if a huge chuck of his insides were ripped out. With all the injuries Rodney had received nothing ever came close the level of pain he felt now. Rodney's vision was clouded with tears, but he could make out two new figures enter the infirmary.

Dr. Cole gave Marie a sympathetic nod before heading toward Woolsey and Radek. She rubbed the back of neck and sighed This was going to be a difficult time. Everyone of the medical team had gotten used to seeing the twins around and she wanted to cry, but she had to stay professional. "There was nothing that could be done. She was already gone by the time we arrived." The doctor made sure her voice was low enough that Rodney could not hear her.

Woolsey looked at his chief of science who was still on the floor. He was not sure if the other knew he was there. The commander could not fathom was Rodney was going through. "Did Dr. McKay say what happened?"

The doctor shook her head. "I haven't been able to. From what I heard Dr. Keller said Elizabeth and Arthur were both in perfect health"

Woolsey nodded solemnly. "Do you have any ideas as to a cause?"

"I would not know until an autopsy is performed. Until that time I cannot give a definite answer." Dr. Cole explained.

Rodney was not happy with the conversation. "You know I can hear you." There was an edge to his voice. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. He wondered how they can be talking about such delicate matters so soon. "How can you be so insensitive." A mixture of rage and grief was building up. How was he ever going to break this news to Jennifer?

Radek had seen Rodney upset on many occasions, but nothing ever like this. He did not even know where to start to help him. The Czech put a hand on the Canadian's shoulder. "Rodney, let's go for a walk." He expected to be hit or yelled at. To his surprise Rodney nodded and pushed himself onto his feet.

Rodney knew what Radek was trying to do. He did not want to be placated. Some part of him was grateful for the offer of assistance, but he also needed to get out of the confining infirmary. The walls were closing in on him and he could only look at Elizabeth's lifeless body for so long. _Jennifer I'm so sorry. _Wiping his nose on his sleeve a new round of tears started to fall. "I want to be alone." There was no emotion in Rodney voice as he left the infirmary.

Woolsey rubbed the back of his neck. "I am going to recall the off world team." He was worried about his head scientist. Richard had never seen someone look so lost. When Rodney was upset he was known to get loud and abrasive and it worried him that he was quiet and withdrawn. "Dr. Zelekna if you would not mind; please keep an eye on Dr. Mckay."

Radek nodded. He too was worried about how quiet Rodney had left. Zelenka had imagined that Rodney would have yelled and insulted the doctors for what McKay would have seen as incompetence.


	6. Chapter 5 The Hardest Thing to do

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5- Takes place in July 2010

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

Chapter 5- The Hardest Thing to do

Rodney had to get away from Radek following him as the Czech was doing a poor job at trying to follow. "This is exactly why you are not on an off-world team, Radek." he stopped and turned around. "What are you afraid of? That I am going to go crazy and do something stupid?" he did not hold back any anger. "You are going to work the overnight shift for the next year if you don't stop it. I don't need a damn babysitter!"

Radek had no idea what to say. He was used to being yelled at by McKay, but now he sensed something was different. It wasn't Rodney's typical _you're stupid_ yelling fits. "Rodney...I.." Words failed him. At least he was yelling.

"You what?" Rodney rolled his eyes. Deep down he could not blame his friend for trying to help, but there were other issues at hand. "You feel sorry for me? You don't have any idea what I am feeling right now. The thoughts that are going through my head. You know I am not good with stuff like this. I am barely holding on as it is." He threw his hands up as tight lump for in his throat. New tears formed at the corner of his eyes. "In a couple of hours I have to tell Jennifer that our daughter is dead and I have no reason why." The grieving man pointed at Radek, "And you know what? That is the only thing that is keeping me from totally losing it." Rodney's face a bright red and his hands were shaking.

Radek felt sorry for the other man. With as much as he was belittled over the past years, Zelenka considered Rodney a friend. No one should ever have to go through the pain that was evident on McKay's face. "Rodney if you need someone to talk to."

Those words sparked an idea in Rodney. "You're right." He dashed off in the direction of the central tower.

Woolsey stared at the active wormhole. He had been attempting to contact the off world team for twenty minutes, but no one was responding. Were they out of comm range? Or had something happened to the team. Richard pushed those thoughts from his head especially when he saw Rodney enter the control him. It seemed like the man had a plan.

"I need to contact Earth." Rodney all but ordered. "I know our scheduled dial out is not until tomorrow."

Woolsey looked at the open wormhole.

Rodney head turned and looked too. "You already contacted them?" he asked feeling stupid.

Richard shook his head. He did not want to put anymore undo worry on his chief of science. "I am still trying to contact..." he words were cut off.

"They are not answering." Worry and fear overcame McKay's face. This was a really bad dream.

Woolsey decided to give it one last try before sending in a rescue team. "Colonel Sheppard this is Atlantis, please come in."

Rodney let tout a sigh of relief when he heard static crackle over the radio.

"This is Sheppard. I read you Atlantis." John looked over at his companions. It was odd that Woolsey was checking in with him since he was not late with a check in.

"I've been trying to reach you for twenty minutes. I was about to send in a rescue team." There would be time later to admonish the military man for not staying on radio. "Is your team alright?"

John was puzzled by the question. "We are all okay. Couldn't hear the radio at the feast. We should be done here by morning."

"That's good, but I am going to need your team to head back to Atlantis right away."

"There are a few last things to do. It shouldn't take too long." John did not understand the sudden urgency for them being recalled.

Richard did not want to get into the real reason he was recalling the team over the radio. "Your team's presence is required here. That is an order." He hoped his voice deterred any further questions.

John knew something was going on and whatever it was it was not good. "Alright we will gather our gear and head for the gate. ETA is 4 hours." He figured it would take about an hour to gather their equipment and then it would take the rest of the time to walk to the gate. "Sheppard out."

"Atlantis out." Woolsey gave Chuck the signal to shut the gate down.

* * *

John clicked off the radio and turned to the rest of his team. "We are being recalled to Atlantis," He was met with three confused faced, "Exactly, but Woolsey is being insistent on it." He still could not shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong.

"Did he say why?" Teyla looked concerned. She could see that Sheppard was worried too. Something did not see right about this.

"Wraith?" Ronon asked. What other trouble could there be.

Sheppard shook his head. "I don't think so. He would have said as much, but he didn't say why. Just that we were needed back."

Jennifer joined in the confusion. "That is a bit odd."

John agreed. "The only thing we can do is go back and find out why."

* * *

Rodney was relieved when he learned that everyone was safe. "I need to contact my sister." He would not allow himself to think what would have happened had Jennifer, John and the others would not have been alright.

Woolsey could see how uncomfortable the other man was. He was shifting from foot to foot and flexing his wrists. There was no way he could deny this request. "That can be arranged."

"Thank you." Rodney replied.

"I can clear out the control room." Woolsey offered to give McKay some privacy.

Rodney nodded. He appreciated the offer.

The leader asked the personnel of the control room to take a hour break. After it was cleared out he turned to Rodney, "If you need anything I will be in my office." With that said the man returned to his office.

McKay moved to one of the computers that were now free. He stared at the blank screen for a good ten minutes before he began to type an email to his sister. Not the way he would have chosen to break this kind of news to his sister, but such was the way of life in the Pegasus galaxy. It took Rodney almost a half hour to type out the message. He wasn't sure how much of it made sense. The scientist was glad the control room was clear because he did not want them to see him like this.

After the email was done, Rodney dialed the address to Earth. Once the wormhole was engaged he punched in the city's IDC.

"Stargate Command this is Atlantis, please respond." McKay tried to keep his voice steady. He hoped that it wasn't Carter who answered the call. His wish was not granted.

"Atlantis this Stargate Command. McKay is that you?" Samantha asked. The voice sounded like his, but it sounded off.

Rodney took a deep breath. "Yes Sam, it's me. I am sending through a data burst. Can you make sure Jeannie gets it." There was no emotion in his voice. It sounded as if he was a robot. Pressing a key keys the message of sent to the SGC

Now she knew something is wrong. "Is everything okay, Rodney?"

Before he could respond he felt Woolsey hand on his shoulder. "Colonel Carter. This is Richard Woolsey. I have a favor to ask."

"Okay, shoot." she replied.

Since the Daedalus was in orbit of Earth and the ZPM from the chair device survived the destruction of Area 51, Woolsey felt comfortable with asking for this favor. "Would it be possible to spare Dr. Beckett for a few days as well as having the Daedalus pickup Jeannie Miller and have her sent to the SGC? The reasons are explained in Dr. McKay's email. "

Rodney knew the message have to be cleared by the SGC before it was delivered, but he felt uneasy knowing the Carter was going to read it.

After running the decryption program, Sam's stomach dropped as she read the following message:

_**From:**__ Rodney McKay _

_**Sent:**__ Thursday, July 29, 2010 _

_**To:**__ Jeannie Miller- _

_**Subject:**__ no subject_

_Jeannie,_

_I don't even know where to begin. This is not something one usually says over an email, but given my situation this is the only way to contact you. Earlier this evening Elizabeth died. I checked on her after putting Arthur to sleep and she was not breathing. My little girl is gone. Nothing has ever hurt this bad before. It is like this pain that gnaws at your gut and it feels like it is never going to end. I don't know how I am going to tell Jennifer. I was supposed to be watching her. It was only a matter of time before I screwed this up. I have no one here to talk to. The team is away with Jennifer on a mission. They were called back and should be here in a few hours. How do I tell the woman I love that our daughter is gone and not have her hate me for it?_

_Your brother, _

_Rodney_

As much as McKay had always been a pain in the ass losing a child was not something to wish even on one's worst enemy. She knew how Jack was still effected by the loss of his son and she could not began to fathom what he was going through and what he will go through when Jennifer returned from the mission. "Rodney...I...I'm so sorry." She knew words would not help him. "Mr. Woolsey, I will talk to General Landry. I'm sure he will have no problem given the circumstances."

"Atlantis out." Rodney sounded like a lost child as he disengaged the worm hole. "You can remove your hand." He looked at the hand still on his shoulder.

"Sorry." Woolsey pulled his hand back. He had hoped to offer the other same some level of comfort, but apparently it only made him uncomfortable. "I am going now," he retreated to his office.

It was unsettling to have absolute silence in the control room . There was always some activity going on. The silence was creepy and it only fueled Rodney's anxiety. Anxiety was something he was used to, but this time was different. McKay could feel the room start to spin and rested his head on the desk. It was not helping and Rodney squeezed his eyes shut. "Still not helping." he talked to the empty space. "I see what you are trying to do." he continued. "Don't think it is going to work." Rodney didn't even know who or what he was talking to or about.

Woolsey looked out of his office when he heard the scientist talking, but he saw no one. Concern grew as it seemed he was talking to no one, but then again the scientists in this city were always a bit eccentric on normal days and this day was far from normal for this scientist.

Then the silence was broken by the cries of an infant. Rodney lifted his head at the sound as it grew louder. He knew his daughter's cry and it wasn't possible that he was hearing it now. McKay looked around the room, but saw nothing. He buried his face in his arm and started to sob. Rodney wondered why his mind could play such a cruel trick on him.

The alarm of an off world activation almost a half hour later snapped Rodney back to reality. He lifted his head and wiped his face so he could see clearly. He already knew who it was before the IDC came through. Woolsey was already making his way down to the gate room when the IDC came in for the SGC and Rodney lowered the shield. He wanted to go great his sister and Carson, but he couldn't find it in him to get up. Instead he leaned back on the chair, rubbing his face with his hands.

Carson was the first to step through the gate followed by Jeannie. Both were clearly upset by the news contained in the email.

"Where is he?" Finding her brother was the only thing on Jeannie's mind. The tone of his message had her really worried.

"Control room." Woolsey pointed toward the room. He turned to Carson, "Dr. Beckett if I might have a few words."

Carson had wanted to check on his friend, however he thought the person to best help him now was his sister. "Alright. When do you expect Dr. Keller back?"

"About two hours. The planet they are on is not accessible by jumper." He explained the reason why it would take so longer for the return. "How's Rodney holding up?"

Woolsey shook his head. "Not well at all. That is why I called you here."

* * *

Jeannie made her way up the stairs as fast as she could. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the state her brother was in. It was obvious he had been crying for a while and his hair was messed up.

"Hey." Rodney said as if nothing was wrong. Putting on a fake brave act staved off any other mental breaks that threatened him to take over.

Jeanie bit her lip. Things were worse than she thought. "Hey, Mer." She sat down and took her brother's hand. She would let him take things at his own pace.

"I miss her, Jeannie. I really do. I know it is strange. It has only been a short time" Rodney laughed ironically "Until a year ago I never even thought about having children...well not seriously anyway. But that all changed when I learned Jennifer was pregnant." His eyes started to tear again. "I have no idea what I am going to say to her." He knew if the news did not come from him he would never be able to forgive himself. "I am not good at stuff like this." Rodney sighed heavily and shook his head.

Jeannie was a loss of words. She knew there were no words she could say that could even begin to ease his pain. The sister embrace her brother and held on for dear life. She needed this almost as much as he did.

"She is going to hate me? Isn't she?" Rodney asked about his fiancée. Nothing good in Atlantis lasted for very long.

Jeannie pulled away from her brother and held his face between her hands. "Mer, don't talk like that. Jennifer is not going to hate you. Despite what you are thinking you know that she loves you. Both of you are going to need each other more than ever." She could tell that deep down Rodney knew she was right. Jeannie sensed that the only reason her brother had not had a complete meltdown yet was knowing he had to be there for Jennifer.

Rodney gave his sister a weak smile. He needed to keep his mind going and thought bringing up another subject could help. "I never got the chance to tell you yet. We set a date for the wedding."

That bit of news shocked Jeannie. She had always expected the couple to just stay perpetually engaged. "And when were you going to tell me? What date did you choose and where?"

"Four weeks on the south pier." Rodney replied.

"What's in four weeks?" Carson asked from the top of the stairs.

"Carson," Rodney offered the smallest of grins. "My wedding." he answered the question that was asked of him. "Or at least it was supposed to be."

"Aye, south pier is a lovely place for a wedding." Carson did not know what to say to his friend. Both he and Jennifer were like family to him and the clichéd condolences he knew would not sit well with his friend. "Rodney, how are you faring?"

The scientist shrugged. "How do you think?" There was much sarcasm in the reply. It never made sense to Rodney why people asked such asinine questions at moments like this. He had just lost a child. So everything was just perfect. They never felt the moments of sheer panic when you find your child is not breathing. "I am going to wait by the gate." Rodney pushed himself up from the chair. His legs felt as if they were going to give out. There was still a lot time before the team returned, but he hoped people would leave him alone. McKay gave everyone in the control room a _don't bother me unless you want to get hurt_ look. Rodney lowered his head as he headed to the gate room.

Jeannie sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. "One moment he seems okay and the next he is like that." She referred to the look Rodney gave before leaving. "I know he is not okay and there is nothing I can do for him."

Carson echoed the sigh and looked out over the gate room where Rodney had placed himself. "I don't think there is anything we can do until they return."

Jeannie nodded, "That is when the hard part will come. I'm going to check on Arthur."

"I almost forgot about the wee lad. I will join you." Beckett followed her out of the control room.

* * *

The walk to the gate had been quiet as no one what to think too much about the reason for their early return. Jennifer was having a some difficulty keeping up and was a few yards behind the rest.

"Are you alright?" Teyla asked concerned as she stopped to let the other woman catch up. The two men seemed oblivious to her struggling.

Jennifer nodded. "I'm fine. Haven't done this in while. Didn't realize how out of shape I've been these past few months and I really did not get much sleep last night."

"I understand. How often are they waking during the night?" The other woman nodded. She had the same problems after her pregnancy as well. "They just don't understand." Teyla motioned to John and Ronan.

Jennifer blushed slightly. "Wasn't the twins." She said with a smirk.

"Hey, we can hear you I'll have you know." John called back. "Yeah I get it. Pregnancy and raising three kids takes a lot out of you.." The third child being Rodney, of course. He looked over at Ronon and shrugged. "Do you need me to carry you?" he offered.

"Real funny, Sheppard." Jennifer drew out in a tone that was very reminiscent of Rodney.

"Woah." John turned his head around. "You know who you sound like..." as he turned back around the side of his head scraped against a tree branch. It kind of scared him when she sounded like Rodney. "Owww." the colonel almost lost his balance.

Questions asking if he was alright came from all three. He was not hurt aside from his pride. "It's only a small scratch." John looked at the small amount of blood coming from his temple. He knew Jennifer was ready to jump into doctor mode.

It was only a few more minutes before they arrived at the gate and John quickly punched in the address for Atlantis followed by his IDC. The dare not speak of what waited for them on the other side. Once he received confirmation that the shield had been lowered he stepped through the gate.

* * *

Rodney jumped to his feet when the shield was lowered. He could hear his heart beating in his ears and his mouth went dry. His stomach churned and he felt like he was about to be sick.

John was the first through the gate and Rodney's sad state was the first thing he saw. "Rodney you look like shit.". This was really not good. "What happened?" It looked like McKay was about to have one of his breakdowns.

"She's gone, John. She's gone." Rodney's voice cracked.

"McKay you are making no sense." John looked back as the rest came through the gate and watched as Rodney's eyes immediately jump to Jennifer. "Rodney?" he said slowly.

The rest of the team came through at the same time and their eyes fell upon Rodney. John swallowed hard as he put the pieces together. The team leader gestured toward Ronan and Teyla. He wanted to give the couple at least a little privacy. They really did not need an audience for aftermath of the news Rodney was about to break to Jennifer.

Jennifer sensed something was terribly wrong. She knew Rodney well enough to know it was really bad. "Rodney?" Her voice was shaking with panic.

Rodney felt like he suddenly lost the ability to speak. He pulled Jennifer into a tight embrace. "I...I'm sorry." he whispered as a few tears rolled down his face. "It is all my fault."

Jennifer stiffened at Rodney's words. "Sorry for what?" She pulled away to see Rodney's eyes full of tears. She knew there was only one thing that could make him this upset. "What happened?" She could feel her own tears start to fall.

He opened his mouth but no words could come out. There was no way he could break the news to her. "I..I...I.." Rodney tightly shut his eyes, trying to find the strength to do this.

"Look at me." Keller grasped his face between her hands. She needed him come together just longer enough to learn what happened.

Rodney took a deep breath to steady himself. "After I picked them up from Marie, Elizabeth was falling asleep so I put her in her crib. Arthur wasn't tired so I stayed up with him for a while and when he was finally ready for bed I put him down. Then I went to check on her and... and." he could not finish the sentence. If he said those words it was as if it would become real. "They said there was nothing they could do."

Jennifer shook her head in defiance. " No...no...no." he repeated. This was not happening. Children were not supposed to die before their parents. Her legs started to give out from under her, but Rodney caught her before she could fail. The mother let out a grief filled wail. "Our little girl can't be gone." Jennifer sobbed into Rodney's shoulder.

"I don't want to believe it." The grieving father whispered. Rodney felt his legs start to shake. He wasn't going to be able to stand for much longer so he pulled them both to the ground.

The couple held onto each other tightly as possible in order to pull strength from each other and cried until they both ran out of tears.

* * *

Teyla looked back at Jennifer and Rodney, but she could not hear what they were saying. Their body language said it was bad. "John, what did Rodney say to you?"

John rubbed the back of his neck. He was still trying to digest the news. "Before you came through the gate he just told me that she is gone. Elizabeth died. That is why we were called back. It certainly wasn't the news I had expected to return to."

Teyla lowered her head, "This is a very sad day for Rodney and Jennifer. Losing a child is not right" She could not imagine what she would do if something were to happen to her son.

Ronon was keeping his distance from the others. He was uncomfortable with the whole death thing especially when it hit close to his team. "I don't like this," he said simply. He had not spent a lot of time with the twins, but he still felt the pain for his teammates.

"Neither do I." John kicked one of the walls. "This isn't right. This shouldn't be happening." He was pissed. "I was at the hospital when they were born. I saw the way Rodney looked at them through the nursery window. He never looked so happy. This isn't fair. They don't deserve this." John yanked a life signs detector from his vest and flung it down the hall. It clattered to the ground, breaking into a few pieces.

Teyla put her hand on John's arm. She knew he was taking this hard.

"Aye, watch where you throw those things." Carson said as he and Jeannie who was carrying Arthur rounded a corner near the mess hall.

"Sorry, Carson." John said sheepishly. "Hi, Jeannie." There was no need for words, the looks on everyone's face said shared the same grief.

"Did you just get back?" Jeannie asked.

John nodded. "A few minutes ago." he sighed. "It's not good in there." John glanced back to the gate room. "How's Arthur doing?"

"He finally just settled down. He knows something is going on." Jeannie rubbed the boy's back. "Where are you going?"

"I am heading back to my quarters. I feel a great need to check if Torren is okay." Teyla closed her eyes. She would be quite content to watch the toddler sleep.

"Ronon and I are headed to the mess hall." John explained. "There is something about the draw of the mess in the middle of the night that is therapeutic."

Ronon shrugged. "Atlantis ritual. In case they need us later."

"We will join you." Jeannie nodded and smiled. She was glad her brother had such good friends to look out for him.


	7. Chapter 6 Saying Goodbye?

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5- Takes place in July 2010

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

Chapter 6- Saying Goodbye?

John looked around the mess hall and found it oddly quiet, but the mood was fitting for the day. Today was Elizabeth's funeral and it seemed much of the city would be attending. As he approached the table were Jeannie was sitting it felt like everyone in the room was looking at him. He placed his tray on the table and frowned. "How are you?"

Jeannie sighed."As well as can be expected. And worried too."

"Same here. " John echoed the sentiments. "Have you heard from them?"

"No. Not since Mer came to pick up Arthur that night. Even then he didn't say anything. Just picked his son up and left." Her worry was obvious. "What about you?"

John shook his head. "No. Though I heard from someone in the botany department that Rodney really laced into him when he went to put in some requests for the service. Other than that neither of them have been seen outside of their room. I went to check on them but they didn't answer. So has Teyla and Ronan."

"Me too." Jeannie replied. She happened to look up at the same time Rodney walked into the mess hall alone. She noticed he looked very pale against the dark suit he was wearing. There were large dark circles under his eyes. Jeannie was about to call her brother over, but he left after putting some food on a tray.

John saw the state of his friend and then looked over at Jeannie. He saw the worry in her face too. "I wonder how Jennifer is doing." If he had to guess probably just as bad as Rodney was.

Rodney kept his head down as he walked back to his quarters. This is exactly why he did want to leave his quarters, he could feel everyone's eyes on him, looking at him as with their fake pity and sympathy. He and Jennifer did not want to be bothered and had ignored all the visitors that had come to their room.

When he entered his quarters Rodney saw Jennifer by the window trying to quiet Arthur down. He set the tray down on a table and made his way over to her. "Got some food." He rested his chin on her shoulder and reached out to touch Arthur's cheek. This was going to be the worst day of their lives, saying goodbye to their daughter..

"I'm not hungry." Jennifer shook her head. She turned around and leaned against her fiancé, holding their son between them. "I don't think I can do this." Tears filled the doctor's eyes.

"Me too." The father kissed the top of his son's head. "But we have to be going." Rodney was trying to be strong but was failing miserably at it.

Jennifer nodded, handing Arthur to his father and taking Rodney's free hand to hold tightly.

The couple needed each other more than ever this day. It was time for them to say goodbye to their daughter and they would have their extended Atlantis family to help them through it.

Rodney was in a daze for most of the funeral. One hand was tightly locked with Jennifer's and in his other arm he held his son. He could not make out the words that were spoken as everything sounded as if it were being distorted by time dilation. He squeezed his eyes shut as the cry's of his daughter haunted him again. He hadn't heard those cry since the night Elizabeth died. _Not now._ The grieving father choked back a sob. _This is all my fault. Had I kept her with me and Arthur I could have noticed something was wrong. They could have gotten to her sooner and could have saved her. Stop the crying. Make it stop. Please make it stop._

Jeannie had been watching her and she could see him struggling. She was not sure which was hurting her more: the grief of losing her niece or how her brother was dealing with it. She had never seen him so lost before. "Mer, let me take him." She took her nephew into her arms.

Jennifer felt the knots in her stomach pulling tighter and tighter as she watched John go up to give a speech. She was not sure if Rodney even knew what was going on. She squeezed his hand tighter. Her body was trembling with grief. _My little girl is really gone. __Why did this happen? She was only a baby. Why do we have to say goodbye? I don't want to say goodbye. She never got a chance to experience life. Mommy will always love you, my sweet girl. I will never forget you. _Numbness was starting to set in. There were no more tears to be shed as Jennifer's ducts ran dry.

After the service people started to talk again, but the mood was very subdued compared to a normal day. Rodney was shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot as the crying in his mind had not stopped and he felt ready to lose what little control he had left. "Umm. I need some air." Rodney loosened his tie. "I will catch up with you in the mess hall in a little bit."

Jennifer was about to stop him, but he was gone before she got the chance. She sighed and blinked away new found tears.

"Where did he go?" Jeannie asked. One minute her brother was there and the next he wasn't.

"I don't know." Jennifer wanted him here with her. She was not sure if she could deal with all the people that want to come over and offer condolences.

"You want me to drag him back here?" John offered up. He thought his friend was an idiot for leaving.

The grief stricken woman shook her head. "Leave him be. I don't feel so well. I think I am going to lie down for a while." Jennifer turned to Jeannie. "Can you watch Arthur for a while?"

"Of course," Jeannie nodded. She was very worried for Rodney and hoped he did not go off to go something stupid.

John was worried. "Do you want me to get Carson?"

"No." She did not want anyone to watch over her. Their concern was touching but it was unwelcome at this time. Jennifer felt desperately alone even being surrounded by many.

Ten minutes later Jennifer found herself alone in her quarters. For the past three days she and Rodney had not left each other's side and now his comforting embrace was gone. The silence sent a chill through her body. She was not sure if anything could be done to warm up. Sitting on the edge of the bed she saw one of Elizabeth's blankets tucked into a couch cushion. The mother grabbed the blanket and clutched it tight to her chest. It smelt like formula mixed with powder, "My precious angel." Jennifer reached for a picture frame on her night table, it was a picture of the four of them at the twin's Christening. She couldn't recall who took the picture, but she was holding Arthur and Rodney had Elizabeth. Everyone looked so happy that day.

Jennifer curled up into a fetal position, holding on to the blanket for dear life and placing the picture so she could look at it and nothing else. Tears start to fall. "Why did you leave us?" she reached out and touched the girl in the picture. "That was such a happy day." Jennifer smiled sadly as she remembered that day. "You never got the chance to know what life was all about. You would have liked it here. Things are never dull, there is always something going on. Some emergency always comes up and your daddy and Uncle John usually end up saving everyone. You would have gotten to see things that most people on Earth could only dream of seeing." The grieving woman took a deep breath and rolled onto her back. "When I first learned I was pregnant I wasn't sure if I was ready to become a mother and I was even more scared when we were told that it was twins but when I felt that first kick I couldn't wait to meet both of you. I'll never forget you my sweet angel." Jennifer returned the picture to its spot on the table and then stared at the empty space next to her on the bed. "Where are you?"

* * *

Retreating to his lab was not exactly the fresh air Rodney said he was going for, but here he was able to close off the area so he could not be bothered. There were only three members of his junior staff working; if you could call sitting around gossiping work.

The trio were startled by the sudden appearance of their boss. They had been discussing how difficult it was going to be to work for Rodney now that his daughter had died. A tacky thing to do, but they never expected him to show up.

"You want to see difficult? No, you know what. It is not going to be difficult because all of you will be heading back to Earth. Since it seems like the three of you have nothing better to discuss how even more difficult I will be to work for. Here is an idea, why don't you discuss what you are going to say to Woolsey on why I am sending your sorry asses home. Dear Mr. Woolsey We are one big screw-up. We have be neglecting our duties and when we do that people could die. Therefore we are not worthy to be here also we have further pissed off our already very cranky boss who happened to walk in on us being insensitive assholes. Now get the hell out of here and don't think about saying anything. Any attempt at an apology is meaningless." Rodney's face was bright red and his hands shaking by the end of his rant. He did not care if had gone too far at least it got the crying in his head to stop.

Once he was alone Rodney went to his computer and cut off all access to his lab. Only someone who knew his password could release the lockdown. He took off his suit jacket and laid it on the desk. This was the quiet he had been looking for and he hoped that people would be smart enough not to bother him.

Rodney spent the better part of five hours searching the ancient database for a way, anyway he could bring his daughter back. The search was going nowhere and he let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair. "This is not working." He dropped his head to the metal table. "Ow!" Rodney winced.

"You know that is not going to work." A unfamiliar female voice spoke.

Rodney lifted his head and saw a petite female standing in front of him. She looked no older than sixteen and her blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail. "How did you get in here?"

"I have my ways," the girl replied.

"What is that supposed to mean? Aren't you a bit young to be here? How the hell did you break into my lab?" he asked in rapid succession.

The girl laughed. "Silly man. You haven't figured it out yet. I thought you were a genius.".

Rodney seriously was not in the mood for any games right now. "Listen whoever you are; do you have any idea who I am and how I can make your life a living hell here if you keep up these games? I just fired three techs for pissing me off."

"Of course. You are the infamous Dr. Rodney McKay," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Then who are you supposed to be?" the irritated man asked.

"You will figure it out soon." She said cryptically.

"Enough with the games. Unless you just arrived today then you know what today was." Rodney buried his face in his hands. This girl was working what was left of his last nerve.

"I know. I was there."

Rodney rested his head on the table. "Just go away!" he mumbled into his arm.

"I don't think so." The young woman stood behind Rodney and placed a hand on his shoulder. "She blames you."

Rodney nearly jumped out of the chair as the girls touch chilled him to the bone, "Excuse me?" Just who did this girl think she was?

The girl gave a slight smirk. "Mommy. She blames you for letting me die. You were supposed to be watching me. Why did you let me die?"

Rodney did not believe a word the girl was saying. Whoever she was she was playing a real cruel joke and he was going to make her suffer. The daughter he had just said goodbye to was only a baby not a teenager.

"Is it because Arthur is your favorite? You let him stay up for story time." The girl's demeanor changed.

McKay closed his eyes hoping the girl would be gone when he opened them, but she was still there. "Great I am seeing things. You are not really there." he said to the apparition pretending to be his dead daughter.

"Don't deny that I am real. You never loved me. Admit it" she yelled.

Rodney shook his head, "That is not true."

Elizabeth cracked a sly grin, "You never wanted children. You always hated kids. You just stayed with mommy because it was the honorable thing to do. That is funny...you honorable."

"No." He was crying now. "From the moment I heard your heartbeats on the sonogram I did. " His mind sure had a twisted way of messing with him.

"Lie to yourself all you want. Reality check, Meredith. You killed me. That is not something mommy is ever going to forgive you for. She hates you. She never wants to look at you again. You are a monster to her. The thought of you next to her makes her want to vomit." The figment taunted; a full mental breakdown as its only goal.

"Go away." Rodney said repeatedly as he covered his head with his arms. "I can't hear you. Go away." He kept on chanting and did not hear one of the lab doors opening.

John had been alerted as soon as Rodney put his lab on lockdown and at first gave the man a little leeway, but as it started to move into the sixth hour he had to do something. Rodney had not changed his password since last time Sheppard had to use it so he was able let himself into the lab. When he saw the sight in front of him he wished he came sooner.

"McKay...Rodney...Meredith." The colonel used several names to get his friend to come back to reality, but none were working. John tried to shake Rodney and he did not expect what happened next. Before he had a chance to react Rodney had grabbed the front of his shirt and shoved him to the ground. _That is going to leave a bruise._

Rodney looked around the room and was shocked to see John on the ground, "She gone." He offered a hand to help the other man up. "Don't sneak up on me like that again. How did you get in?"

John brushed himself off as he stood up. "Used your password. You never changed it." Sheppard shrugged. "Who's gone?" There had been no one else in the room.

"Forget about it." McKay shook off thoughts of his hallucination. "Why did you come here? Didn't I say I wanted to be alone?"

"What you said was that you were going for some air and that you would meet us in the mess hall. That was almost six hours ago." John corrected.

Rodney shrugged. "Must have lost track of time. Wouldn't be the first time."

"Putting your lab on lockdown is not losing track of time. " John pointed out.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Your point being? I'm tired. I am going back to my quarters." he turned to leave, grabbing his suit jacket before he left.

John wanted to know what was really going on. "This is not over Rodney."

"It is. You will tell no one of this." McKay would not admit to admit to John that we was relieved that he had showed when he did. There was no telling what the pushing from his hallucination would have caused him to do.

Sheppard was tempted to follow Rodney and he would have if he had not said he was going back to his quarters. He would have Jennifer to look out for him there in case he tried anything.

Rodney did not head back to his quarters right away, but walked the north pier for a couple hours. He wanted to see if he would start hallucinating again and thankfully he did not.

By the time he made it to his room Jennifer was already sleeping. Before getting into bed, he stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt, leaving his suit on the couch.

The woman did not stir when Rodney got under the covers. He could only watch her sleep as the words of his daughter played over in his head. McKay frowned when he saw that Jennifer was clutching Elizabeth's blanket. Laying his head on the pillow, Rodney reached out and brushed her cheek with his thumb.

Jennifer stirred slightly, "Hey." She said sleepily.

"Hey."

"Where'd you go?"

"My lab." Rodney answered. He did not want to go into the details of what happened because he was worried if the words he heard were true.

Jennifer looked the man over. He was tense and she could tell something else was bothering him. "I missed you. Could have used you earlier." She moved her head to rest on Rodney's shoulder.

"Sorry." Those were all the words he could offer. Rodney felt now felt guilty for not being there. _You hate me, don't you? Do you think I am a monster? _He looked down when she did not respond and found the woman had already drifted back to sleep.

"See she doesn't hate me." He said loud to himself, as if his prior hallucination was there again.

"That is because she was still asleep." The voice was back.

Rodney shook his head. "Why come back now?"

"To show you the truth and you spoke to me this time."

"And what truth is that?" He demanded to know.

"That you don't deserve to have mommy in your life. She is too good for you. That you don't deserve to have Arthur. It is only going to be a matter of time before you kill him too. You destroy all that you touch. That is why your parents hated you. It was because of you they had to leave all their friends and move; after you were questioned by the CIA they could not look at their friends anymore. They resented you since that day. You had to build that atomic bomb, didn't you? That is why your mother left after a few years. She couldn't stand you anymore. She wanted her old life back. Nobody can stand you. Nobody likes you. They just barely tolerate you being around." The constant berating would not let up.

Rodney had about all he could take of this mental assault. "Shut up." he yelled, forgetting that Jennifer was sleeping next to him.

The scream woke Keller out of her sound sleep. "Who are you talking to?" she asked as she sat up, watching Rodney carefully.

McKay sighed, rubbing his hands over his face, "No one. Just go back to sleep."

Jennifer was not buying it. "What happened earlier?" she played with his hair.

_Besides the fact I am going crazy?_ "Nothing. Too many people. Needed some space."

Jennifer was still hurt that he had left her alone when he did. "What about me? I needed you. You were gone for nine hours without so much as a word."

_She does hate me. _Rodney gulp and closed his eyes. He did not want to burden her with his quickening slide into insanity. "You hate me?" he asked with all seriousness.

The woman frowned at the question. "What are you talking about? What would give you that idea?" She was a little ticked at him, but hating him was not something she could ever think about.

"My head." he answered.

"Tell it to stop thinking that." Jennifer laid down and snuggled against Rodney, kissing his cheek before resting her head next to his. "Mad, yes. But hating, never."

That made McKay feel a little better, but not by much. _Easier said than done._ He covered her hand with his and tried to get some sleep.

**To be continued...**

_**A/N: Yes, the question mark in the chapter title is on purpose. Also I could use some help with my next chapter. I switched the format up a little and I want to run the idea by someone before posting. Thanks for reading.**_


	8. Chapter 7 Slipping Away

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5-

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

**A/N: Another 2 Chapter day. I decided to take a different approach in this chapter and have the story told via a series of journal entries from the teams perspective as part of an assignment from Carson. There is a little bit of foul language as when Rodney gets cranky he shows it.**

**Chapter 7- Slipping Away**

**August 4- Day 1**

_John Sheppard_

I don't know why Carson is making me to this too. Wait a minute I do. It is because McKay threw a fit when Beckett said he and Keller had to do this before Rodney could be cleared to return active duty. So in the order of fairness (his words) the whole team has to do this. Something about as a way to see how the frontline team other copes with the stress of putting our lives on the line more times than any other team was the excuse he used. I think he is a little too late with the idea. We have only been back a month and it has been quiet. The city has not faced any imminent demise since we returned.

_Ronan Dex_

Day 1. This project is stupid. I have to hide from Sheppard. He wants to teach me that golf game again. I would rather have one of Teyla's meditation sessions.

_Teyla Emmagan_

I am not sure what I should write here. Is it similar what I have to write in a mission report? I think I will have to enquire with John about this later.

_Rodney McKay_

This is the stupidest thing that I am being forced to do, but if I want to return to off world missions I have to do this. Seriously, how does Carson expect me to be feeling? He is not even a psychologist. Oh yes, I should be in a good mood since my daughter died six days ago and I am the one who killed her. Did I mention that she is taunting me every day? Is that what you wanted to hear? That I see and hear dead people. Yes, your head of science and research has gone crazy. Lock me up now. Seriously, dumbest idea ever!!!!!!

_Jennifer Keller_

I have mixed feelings about doing this since I haven't written in a diary since I was twelve. Part of me wants to get back to work so I can keep my mind busy, but Woolsey insists that I take some more time off. I know it is because he doesn't want me to put any patients life at risk. I don't know why some say the pain get easier over time because it really does not feel like it is ever going to get better. I've already buried two members of my father and daughter this year. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really miss the time Rodney and I lived in Colorado Springs. As much as it was uncomfortable it was just us and the twins. No one else to worry about.

**August 5- Day 2**

_John Sheppard_

We have yet to hear anything from the wraith since we returned. I know I said that I should keep quiet about it, but it is kind of bothering me. Maybe I am just trying to concentrate on something else. The whole team has been taken off mission rotation for a few more days and I have nothing better to do. Maybe I will go check on Jennifer and Rodney and take Arthur out for a while; give them some time to themselves. My ass is still sore from being thrown on the ground. Note to self: The science labs have very hard floors.

_Ronan Dex_

Day 2. I have nothing else to say, but I am bored.

_Teyla Emmagan_

According to John I am supposed to write my feelings and about by day in this thing. So in some way it is like a mission report. Watching what Jennifer and Rodney are going through makes me appreciate my son more, even if that was possible. Every day is a blessing with him even if he does not want to listen to me or his father. I cannot imagine what I would do if something were to happen to him.

_Rodney McKay_

John said he wanted to be the good godfather and take Arthur for a while. With him gone the room is even more quiet. I am still hearing and seeing a dead person. There is nothing I can do to make it go away. Is what I see real or not? I cannot tell anyone of this because I already loathe writing in this. Jennifer keeps on pressing me to talk to her, but her more than anyone I cannot talk to about this. I am already getting those looks: A quiet Rodney is a scary thing. Maybe I should just yell out at random times so they cannot say I am being quiet or then they will just think I am really nuts.

_Jennifer Keller_

It was nice of John to take Arthur for a few hours. I thought it could have given us some time to talk, but Rodney just curled up on the couch with his tablet. I tried to talk to him and I was just pushed away. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. Maybe this all would have been better if the IOA did not agree to let us back to the city. If we had stayed on Earth maybe Elizabeth would still be alive. My life would be as it should be; two parents together enjoying their infants and not this painful existence.

**August 6- Day 3**

_John Sheppard_

It was interesting spending part of the day with my godson yesterday and after that I don't think I ever want one of my own. It is nice to have them for a few hours and then ship them back to their parents. I don't know if it too early to tell, but I think Arthur is going to be a lot like Rodney. Not that is a bad thing, but it will be interesting. Watch Arthur fall asleep reminded me of something Teyla said a few years ago, when she said the Rodney would be an excellent father some day and the two of us kind of dismissed it, but looking back she was right.

_Ronan Dex_

Day 3. Leave me alone, Sheppard. I think because he doesn't have McKay to bother he has turned his all attention on me. He needs a girlfriend.

_Teyla __Emmagan_

I must admit the downtime is nice as I get to spend more time with Torren and Kanaan. I just don't like the reason behind it. Watching John with Arthur yesterday made me feel a sadness for the young child. He is never going to know the sister he had.

_Rodney McKay_

The girl continues to haunt me. Can you be haunted by someone and they look nothing like they are supposed to? Elizabeth was only a baby when she died, but why is she appearing as a teenager to me? The things that she says to me; I am staring to suspect that they are true. I do not know how much of this that I am going to be able to take. I have 'borrowed' Jennifer's Ipod to see if it helps. Sure hope she doesn't look for it.

_Jennifer Keller_

I was planning on going for a run today, but I found my Ipod to be missing. I am sure I left it in my top drawer. Wonder what could have happened to it. Perhaps I left it in somewhere else. I need to get out of this room to clear my head. I don't know what else to do. I've never felt so alone before. Ever since the funeral Rodney has been a totally different person. He's been extremely quiet. I think I can count the words he has said to me on one hand. Tomorrow I think I will ask Teyla if she wants to workout. I have to do something. Doing nothing is driving me crazy.

**August 7 - Day 4**

_John Sheppard_

I am getting tired of writing in this thing because I have nothing to write about. I've done nothing of interest. No missions. No nothing. I will say that I am worried about Jennifer and Rodney. It seems like she is having a easier go of this than Rodney is. Not that losing a child is easy. Rodney has been too quiet. I think I will bring some of my concerns to Carson and see if he could do anything.

_Ronan Dex_

Day 4. Still bored. When is this going to end? Where the hell has McKay been hanging out. There is still blue jell-o left

_Teyla Emmagan_

I was glad when Jennifer asked me to workout with her this morning. I know she is trying to keep her mind occupied and holding a lot in. When I inquired about Rodney she did not want to talk on the subject. I have not seen him in a week. I hope they can come together for each other's sakes. This is a time where they need each other.

_Rodney McKay_

The music is not helping. I can still hear her voice taunting me day after day. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I despise the pitying looks I get as I make my way to and from the mess for food. I don't even have it in me to yell at them. Do they know it is all my fault? Is that why they are looking at me like that? Do they know I killed my daughter? How can Jennifer even still want to talk to me? Why doesn't she see me as the monster my daughter claims me to be?

_Jennifer Keller_

I think I need to workout with Teyla more often. It took my mind off of things for a while but only a little. In a mixed blessing I found my Ipod. The good I found it and it the bad is where I found it. Seems like Rodney took it and has been using it. I found him curled up on the bed listening to it. He never was one to listen to music that much. I am growing more concerned for him.

**August 8- Day 5**

_John Sheppard_

After complaining over and over to Carson, today is the last day the three of us have to write in here. Jennifer and Rodney still have to. I bet Ronan is happy. He is such a man of many words. I've been debating if I should put my team back on the active roster, minus Rodney of course or should I wait a bit more. My team is my team and it is not the same if it isn't the four of us together. Maybe yanking McKay to go off-world will be good for him.

_Ronan Dex_

Day 5. Last day of this. Thank you Sheppard.

_Teyla Emmagan_

John says this is the last day that he, Ronan and I have to write in these things. I found this little assignment interesting. Perhaps I should bring this up to Mr. Woolsey about making all active gate teams do this. So much happens on missions and the members of the expedition need a place to sort out their feelings. We save seen so much bad things happen here.

_Rodney McKay_

Today I left my quarters to do something other than pick up food. I wanted to spend time in my lab, but Radek kicked me out of my lab. IT IS MY LAB! He muttered something to me in Czech and I pretended I did not understand him. I reminded him that he was only second in command and that he had no right to throw me out of the lab. I think I might have made him feel bad when I started weeping as he pushed me out. It sort of just happened and we spent the next two hours talking. I am allowed back in my lab again. Yes, the voices are still there.

_Jennifer Keller_

Every time I go into the nursery I have trouble breathing. Looking in at Elizabeth's crib that will never be used again I start cry. I need to get that crib out of here. Is it too soon to move it out of the room? The room cannot be avoided because Arthur still sleeps in there. I know Arthur is starting to feel the effect of our moods. He used to laugh and smile all the time and now he doesn't want to do anything. It is as if he is regressing. I need to start being me again, if not for myself, but for my son.

**August 9- Day 6**

_Rodney McKay_

I've had enough of all of this. People just cannot take a fucking hint and leave me alone. I can only hide in my quarters for so long. No, I don't want to talk. So you say that is not like me. Well, tough you will get over it. Rodney McKay is an adult and can so whatever he pleases. So I am planning a coup of my own lab and going to live there. Zelenka will be my slave because he needs to make me some more that that lovely drink he makes. I hear no more voices, but I also feel the room spinning. I want to spin some more. Make the voices and the girl go away permanently.

_Jennifer Keller_

I wanted to talk to Rodney about moving out the crib today, but he was gone from the room before I got up. No note. No anything. The only thing I noticed was that Arthur was fed and changed. It was his banging a rattle against his crib that woke me. I tried to radio the pain in the ass a.k.a Rodney to ask for his help with the crib I noticed he had left his radio in the room. Maybe I'll ask Teyla. I smiled today for the first time and it was thanks to Arthur. He laughed for no reason and I just had to smile. It was as if he knew I needed it.

**August 10- Day 7**

_Rodney McKay_

My head is pounding. No more of Radek's 'Special Juice' for me. It really did not make Elizabeth go away for long. Actually she came back worse than she was before. Saying I was a no good drunk like my mother was and I was the reason she drank so much. I know the infirmary has stronger stuff, but that is the one place I cannot go. Carson will find out and then he will go back to Jennifer. That is something I do not need. Don't need to bother her with this. She will hate me more than she does now.

_Jennifer Keller_

It is odd, but I don't think Rodney came back to the room last night. I don't think it was one of the times were he accidently fell asleep in the lab because when he does that he usually will come back and that did not happen this time. My concern for his grows worse. I will give him a few more hours before I raise concern to Carson. Or maybe I should ask Radek or John to see if either of them has heard from him. Before the funeral we were there for each other every second, holding onto each other as if we let go the other would be gone forever. Now he is a far cry from that man. It is as if someone else is living inside him. I need him to be here for me and I want him to need me. Holding all of this in is not good. He blames himself, I can see it in his eyes.

**August 11-Day 8**

_Rodney McKay_

Second night of lab living was not as bad as the first. It is only a matter of time before I hear it from Woolsey or Sheppard about my staff being too scared to enter the lab. Radek is the only one who stayed around. I am growing fond of his company because when we talk he doesn't ask me about my feelings. We just talk about everything else. I did not let him know I am visited by Elizabeth because I know he will tell the others. I cannot have that. This is my burden I have to bear on my own,

_Jennifer Keller_

When talking to Radek he accidently let it slip where Rodney has staying. He is worried too. I am torn as to what to do. Someone needs to talk to him. I want to but he won't let me in. Why does he have to be so stubborn? He doesn't need to go through this alone. Elizabeth is an expression of our love. It is not his fault what happened. She still would have died had he come on the mission with us. Part of me finds comfort in that her last few waking moments is that she was with one of us and that she is in heaven, having my parents looking after her.

**August 12- Day 9**

_Rodney McKay_

Why does Jennifer insist on trying to find me? I know it is because she wants to tell me that I am a monster. If Elizabeth is to be trusted she says that Jennifer wants to give me the ring back and tell me that I can never see Arthur again. So the way I see it is if I avoid her and visit Arthur when she is sleeping that way things don't have to be over. As my daughter has told me every day since she starting visiting that it was only a matter of time before I messed up the best thing that I ever had. It took me a little under two years get the most amazing woman in the universe to hate me, destroying both our lives in the process.

_Jennifer Keller_

Now I know that the pain in the ass is avoiding me. I cannot understand why. Arthur was fed and changed by the time I got up and his dirty clothes in the hamper. This is not normal grief. I tried to find Rodney in his lab but he was not there every time I checked. It is like he is tracking my movements and purposely avoiding me. His behavior is really hurting me. I wish I could know what is going on inside his head. At least I am allowed to return to my duties tomorrow. It will be good to keep busy and have other things occupy my time.

**August 13- Day 10**

_Jennifer Keller_

I have my first shift back in the infirmary in a couple of hours and thus today is the last day I will be writing one of these entries but I found writing these entries to be cathartic. I will never forget Elizabeth as I carried her within me for almost nine months. I wish I can say the same for Rodney. I have not seen him in three days and I am worried. It is like he is purposely avoiding me. Quiet for him is bad and he has been too quiet.


	9. Chapter 8 Do Things Really Happen

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

**Chapter 8- Do Things Really Happen in Threes?**

Ronon looked at John as they stopped outside of McKay's lab, "How long has he been sleeping in there?"

"Keller has she hasn't seen him in over three days. According to her it seems he has been stopping by for showers and clean clothes when she was sleeping." John explained.

"Like a ninja?" Dex had watched enough Earth movies with John, but somehow the words Rodney and ninja did not go together.

"I wouldn't use those exact words" The image of McKay dressed as a ninja was a scary thought. John immediately saw Rodney curled up sleeping on one of the tables. "Rise and shine, Meredith." He tickled Rodney's ear.

Ronon was amused by all this. "Come on sunshine," he poked the sleeping man's back.

Rodney mumbled and swatted at John's hand. "Five more minutes."

The Satedan poked Rodney's back harder. "Now, McKay."

The Canadian sighed as he looked at the two men standing over him. "What do you two want?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Taking you for a little walk. We've heard you been sleeping here for a couple of days." John shrugged.

McKay sighed, "Jennifer sent you. I don't need babysitters." he started to walk away, but Ronon took a tight hold of his arm. "Let go of me."

Ronon shook his head. "No. Time for you get out of this lab."

John nodded. "You have all of us worried. Radek says everyone is afraid to come in here. Plus your lovely bride-to-be is very worried about you. What's going on McKay?"

"Nothing." Rodney snapped, clenching his fists. "Everyone can just bite me and go to hell." McKay was crankier than his norm.

"There is no need to get all kinky." John tried to make light of the situation, but it was a bad move as he was shot a steely glare from McKay.

The Canadian was not in the mood for John's jokes and took a swing at his friend.

John was lucky for quick reflexes and he grabbed his friend's wrist, turning it and him and pinned him against a table. "Woah." He was genuinely shocked that Rodney had taken a swing at him. In all the years he had known him, Rodney had never taken a serious swing at him. There was something seriously wrong here.

Ronon stood back and watched the interaction between the other two men. It was not hard to see that Rodney was not himself.

"Let me go." Rodney struggled to get free of his friend's grasp.

John released his grip. "What the hell was that for?"

The physicist shrugged. He really had no reason why he did it.

Ronon shook his head. "Come! Now!" The burly man started to head out to the east pier.

Rodney wanted to protest, but he knew the two stronger men could easily force him to go where they wanted. It was not worth the effort to fight with them. He stayed quiet the entire walk and transporter ride. The scientist felt awkward as his two escorts lead him through the halls. "You know we don't have to do this. I have some tests running in my lab."

"Not so fast, buddy." Ronon grabbed McKay's shoulder.

"You've spent too much time in that lab. There is a difference between falling asleep in your lab which you have done a lot and living there." John added. "Now sit." Sheppard ordered as they arrived at their destination; the same pier the three started to use to wind down after missions after McKay's brush with Second Childhood.

"I am not some dog that you can order around." He still obeyed, dangling his feet over the edge. "It's a long way down." Rodney peered over the edge, sounding very cryptic.

John glared at his friend. "Don't start that." he sat next to Rodney.

Ronon sat on John other side. "Get over yourself, McKay."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Ronon challenged.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Rodney did not like where this was going.

John decided to speak up. "This. Taking a swing at me is not you. You have not been you. I can't pretend to know what you are going through, but you shouldn't be doing this alone."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "That is right you don't know. Nobody knows." He started to rub his temples. The pounding in his head got worse the longer he sat.

Ronon shook his head."You're wrong."

"Really now and what makes you an expert?" McKay looked over at Ronan. His temper was flaring.

"I wasn't talking about me. What about Jennifer?" the Satedan replied.

Rodney gave his friends a _And your point is_ looks.

"What we are trying to say is that Jennifer misses Elizabeth too. She is hurting too. She wasn't just **_your_** daughter." John tried to get his friend to see some logic.

McKay continued to rub his temples. "I know that. I'm not stupid. But she is not the one responsible for Elizabeth dying. That all goes to me."

"Rodney don't go there. It is not your fault" John shook his head. McKay had always been stubborn and this was one of the worst times to be acting that way.

"As lovely as it has been with you two playing armchair psychologists you two aren't just cutting it. My life..." Rodney started to stand up, but he was overcome with a case of vertigo. As he tried to take a step he felt as if he were going to vomit. As McKay leaned over to be sick he lost his balance and fell off the pier.

John should have known something was wrong as Rodney stood up. He did not expect the man to fall over the edge. Sheppard tried to reach over to his friend, but it was one of those moments that moved in slow motion and he could not get a grip on his friend before he was out of reach. He winced as Rodney hit the water. "Rodney!" he called out, hoping to see McKay surface.

Ronon yelled out for his friend as well. Without thinking Ronan jumped into the water. It was a long jump, but someone needed to get to Rodney fast.

Sheppard looked down at the water. It was a long fall. On instinct he tapped his earwig. "Medical team to the east pier. ASAP. We have a man overboard." After conveying the message John jumped into the water.

Ronon surfaced a minute later. "Where is he?"

John shook his head. "He couldn't have gone far." Sheppard dove again.

It seemed like an eternity, but Ronon finally surfaced holding onto Rodney. "He's not breathing." he looked over a John. There was worry in both men's eyes. They did not want to be attending another funeral.


	10. Chapter 9 Not the Best First Day Back

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

**Chapter 9- Not the Best First Day Back **

John pulled the blanket closer to his body, but it was having no effect in warming him up. He turned his head toward the sounds of the medical team working feverishly trying to resuscitate Rodney. "This isn't happening." He shook his head and pointed to Ronon's hand covered in blood. "You're bleeding."

Ronon looked over his arm. "It's not mine. McKay must have hit his head." He was feeling chilled as well. He had not expected the ocean to be as cold as it was.

Even though both men claimed to be fine, Carson insisted that both men get checked out. She wanted to make sure neither man had any injuries from their thirty foot jump into the water. "You are bloody lucky I don't return to the SGC for another couple of days," The doctor scolded them.

The two men were heavily protesting getting checked out. "It's not like we are going anywhere. Just want to make sure Rodney's going to be okay." John tried to get up, but was stopped by one the nurses. Though John could not see what was going on it sounded like they were still trying to get McKay breathing again.

"Don't even think of it." The nurse pointed at Ronan who also ready to breakout.

"We aren't going anywhere." Ronon snapped.

The nurse threw her hands up and left the two men to themselves. The stubbornness of Sheppard's teams was well known to the medical staff.

Jennifer was a little nervous about her first shift at the infirmary. She wanted to try to return to some semblance of normalcy and with it almost three weeks since the funeral she was ready to take this first step.

As she stepped into the infirmary she could tell it was going to be a crazy day. "Emergency already?" she could see members of her staff running back and forth. That is when Jennifer noticed John and Ronon sitting in a pair of beds, drenched and not looking happy. John was trying peak behind the curtain where the most activity was going on. "Sparring accident?" she asked, noting Ronan's bloody hand. Falling into the water was new for them. Jennifer had lost count how many times she had stitch the two of them from their matches.

"Not exactly…" John trailed off. "There was a little accident." He looked over at Ronan for some help.

"What kind of accident?" She was curious why the two had become silent. Jennifer then heard Carson through the curtain:

"_We've got a heartbeat. Let's get this water out of his lungs."_

"John?" Jennifer looked at him questioningly. She had a feeling she was not going to like what he was going to say. She did not wait for him to answer and moved to see what was going on. He stomach dropped to the floor when she saw Rodney's limp body on the bed. He was soaking wet and they were suctioning water out of his lungs.. "What happened?" Panic was setting in. There was no way she could go through this again. She felt John's hands on her shoulders, pulling her away. "No. Let me go," she fought to get out of his grasp.

"Let them do their work."

"How long was he under?" Jennifer knew the longer he had been under the water the more likely hood there would be brain damage.

"A couple of minutes. No more than five." John replied.

"We jumped in as soon as he fell." Ronon added.

"Fell?" The terrified woman asked. Part of her wondered if Rodney had jumped with his behavior of late.

John nodded and closed his eyes. "We were sitting talking and Rodney went to stand up. He took a step and looked like he was going to be sick. I don't know he must have lost his balance because next thing we know he was falling. I tried to grab for him, but I couldn't move fast enough." He felt bad that he had not moved quick enough.

"Think he hit his head." Ronon held up his hand that was covered in Rodney's blood.

Jennifer's hands were shaking no. "How far did he fall?"

"Thirty feet." The men said together.

She shook her head. None of this was fair and this was almost too much for her to handle. First Elizabeth and now it looked like Rodney could be next. "How is he?" she turned attention to the doctor treating her fiancé.

Carson gave a sympathetic smile. He knew this was the last thing she needed on her first day back. "He's breathing on his own, but still unconscious. I was about to put him under the scanner to check for any internal injuries. The wound on the back of his head is going need a couple of stitches. But I would say he got mighty lucky." He was worried for his friend.

Jennifer nodded. She felt a little more relaxed that he was stable for the moment. As Rodney was moved to the scanner she touched his arm and was taken aback at how cold he felt. "Carson, did you check his glucose?" The doctor wondered if Rodney's_ loss of balance_ was due to his lack of eating and also she wanted to rule out that he jumped. "I'll stitch his head when you are done with the scanner." She felt the need to do something or she might lose it.

Beckett returned a few moments later. "The scan revealed no internal injuries. A moderate concussion. It looks like Rodney hit his head on the section of the pier he fell from and not one of the lower sections otherwise it would have been a lot worse." A beep from the glucose monitor told her the results were back. "42mg/dl. "I start him on some IV Dextrose. Aye, he should know better than to let his blood sugar get that low"

The young doctor shook her head and was relieved to hear that Rodney had in all most likely lost his balance due to low blood sugar. Carson left Jennifer to be alone with her fiancé. They needed the time together even if Rodney was unconscious, besides he needed to yell at the other men for being in such a dangerous part of the city.

Jennifer took a deep breath to steady herself before stitched the wound on the back of Rodney's head. Luckily it only took four stitches to close the wound. "Good thing you have a hard head." she teased the unconscious man. Her hands started to shake, "Please don't ever scare me like that again. You aren't going to get away from me that easily." She tightly held the man's hand and wiped a few tears from her eyes. "I don't want to lose you too."


	11. Chapter 10 Rise and Shine

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

**Chapter 10- Rise and Shine**

_2 days after the Fall_

Rodney tried opening his eyes but the pounding in his head told him it was not a good idea and his whole body ached as if he had run face first into a brick wall. The scientist opened his eyes ever so slightly. It was very bright and hurt his head too much to keep his eyes open for long. He tried to sit up, but a case of vertigo caused him to fall back to the pillow. A low painful groan escaped his throat.

Jennifer had been checking Rodney's vitals and immediately spun around when she heard the groan. "You're awake." she was relieved. Ever since Rodney had been brought to the infirmary her, John, Teyla and Ronan had taken turns sitting at his bedside. She had never been one to believe in superstitions, but she had begun to feel like that there was something to that saying: _Things happen in threes_. First it had been her father, then Elizabeth and with the way Rodney had looked after he was pulled from the water she thought he was going to be the third.

"If that is what you call it." Rodney said as pain filled his voice. "What happened?"

"You fell off the east pier into the water. Hit your head too." she explained.

Rodney sighed and blinked several times to help adjust to the brightness of the room. It took a few moments for his vision to clear. He tilted his head side to side, looking at doctor at his bedside. There was something familiar about her, but he could not put a name to the face. Rodney knew he was always bad with remembering names and right now he was blaming that on the swimming sensation in his head. _New doctor. Haven't seen her before. Hot and blonde_. Whoever she was he wanted to get to know her better once he could think clearly. Rodney's eyes looked the woman up and down and it was obvious he was checking her out.

"Can I get you anything?" Jennifer gave his hand a small squeeze. She was glad to be able to see those eyes of his again. She frowned when his hand felt warmer than it should have. The doctor touched his forehead with the back of her hand. He was definitely running a fever; a pretty high one at that. Jennifer's cheeks flushed when she noticed him checking her out. The way his mind worked would always be a mystery to her. She was not sure if she should be amused that within five minutes after waking up from being unconscious for almost two days that her fiancé was trying to put the moves on her from his hospital bed.

On instinct Rodney jerked his head away. He didn't think that was a very professional way to take a patient's temperature. It was something his mother did when he was a child. "Another blanket." he started to shiver.

"I'll get you one." Jennifer left and returned with her own blanket she kept in the infirmary. It was there for when she was working late nights or when she and Rodney were running late for movie night.

"Isn't that work for a nurse?" Rodney asked as Jennifer covered him with the new blanket.

"Excuse me?" Jennifer scrunched her face in confusion. She could tell by his tone he was not joking around. The doctor reached for a thermometer to take his temperature. "104.1." she read off the thermometer after it beeped.

"It was a simple question." The cranky man whined and rubbed his eyes. They felt like they were on fire as did the rest of his body.

Jennifer nodded. "Let me get you something for your fever."

"I thought it was new policy to let patients burn up until they burst into flames." Rodney said in a tone reserved for when he was either in pain or annoyed and right now he was both.

"You are beautiful." He watched as she hung a bag of antibiotics and attached it to the peripheral IV line in his hand.

"Now you decide to sweet talk me." She teased, wondering how lucid he was with the fever. "It's a little too late for that, mister."

McKay laughed slightly. I'm sure you hear that all the time from the likes of Colonel Kirk and his caveman sidekick. You probably have them all lined up wanting a chance with you. Do they keep you busy?" He could not keep his eyes focused.

"Rodney." Jennifer said sternly. She knew it had to be the fever making him say those things.

"What?" Rodney whined.

"Shut up." She said not wanting him to say something he would end up regretting.

He pouted and crossed his arms over his chest, acting like a child being scolded. "What did I say? I'm just saying... I mean you are quite attractive."

Jennifer sighed. She had to remind herself that it was his fever making him talk like this, but it still had her worried. "You need to get rest. Your fever is making you confused."

"About what?" Rodney asked.

"Never mind. Just sleep." Jennifer brushed his hair back.

"How come you won't answer me?" He was not happy. "Who do you think you are?" Rodney had to admit this new doctor had some balls to talk to him this way.

That comment struck a nerve with Jennifer. "Just forget it." she shook her head. "You need to sleep. Don't argue with me." She did not leave any room for argument.

"But...But." he whined and then nodded. He was feeling tired and was finding it hard to keep his eyes open. Arguing with the doctor was not going to endear him to her. It was not long before Rodney was fast asleep.

Once he was asleep Jennifer let out a sigh. "Get some rest, my dear," She kissed his forehead and took his hand, content to watch him sleep. _What's going on in that head of yours? _Jennifer hoped that this attitude was caused by the fever and he would be back to himself once the fever broke. She was not sure how much more of this bad luck she could take. "I just my Rodney back." Jennifer started to cry as she wanted the man she fell in love with to return so they could mourn their daughter together and be there for their son.


	12. Chapter 11 Who's the New Doctor?

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

**Chapter 11- Who's the New Doctor? **

_3 days after accident_

John had been sitting at Rodney's bedside for the past two hours. It was nice to watch over a sleeping person since it gave him the time to catch up on some overdue paper work. "You know McKay..." he pointed at the sleeping body. He nearly fell off the chair when he responded.

"I know what, Sheppard?" Rodney tried to stretch but the stiffness in his body prevented him from doing so.

"Shit, Rodney. Don't scare me like that." John shook his head and straightened himself up.

"You're the one who was watching me sleep." Rodney countered. "Why are you watching me sleep anyway? Are you that bored that I am your entertainment?"

_He certainly sounds like normal Rodney._ John thought. "You had us all worried there for a while. Enjoy your nice long nap?"

"Fell off the pier into the water. I know about that. The hot new doctor told me about it."

Something did not sound right about that sentence. "Wait. What? New doctor? There aren't any new doctors on staff." John looked thoroughly confused.

"Of course there is. She's hot, blonde. About so high." He held his hand up to about Jennifer's height. "But a little chunky around the middle. And did I mention hot?"

It took a moment for John to realize who Rodney was talking about. He gave a sly smirk. "Real funny McKay. You know Jennifer will hurt you if she heard the comment about her weight."

"I am not trying to be funny." Rodney sat up. "Who is she?"

"Rodney?" John eyed his friend questioningly. "Now is not the time to be screwing around. "

"I am not screwing around." The Canadian got defensive. "I am not in the mood to be playing these." Clearly John expected him to know who this doctor was. " I have no idea who she is. Where is Carson? Get Carson. He will know who she is."

John was worried but he tried not to show it. "Rodney, Carson is back at the SGC. He left yesterday. "

Rodney shook his head. "He came back with us when we retook the city from the replicators a couple months ago. You know when we saved Woolsey and O'Neill's collective asses. Why'd he go back?"

That explained why he did not know who Jennifer was. "Rodney, that happened over three years ago."

"What!!" Rodney yelled. The loudness of his own voice made his head hurt more. "Come on Sheppard this isn't the time be messing with me." Panic was taking over.

John reached out to try to calm his friend who was very agitated at the moment.

"You are telling me that I am missing three years of my life. How the hell could that happen?" Rodney was on the verge of hyperventilating.

John shrugged. "I don't know I'm not a doctor."

"Then get one over here." Rodney demanded. "Hello, does anyone work here?" He yelled out. "Who's in charge here if Carson's not?"

Marie came running over when he heard the yelling. "What can I do for you Dr. McKay?" It had been a long time since she had seen this side of Rodney.

"You're not in change." Rodney spat out. "I want someone who can tell me what the hell is wrong with me?" His face was red from the yelling and panic.

John saw the confused look on Marie's face. "I'll call her." He knew Jennifer was off duty and probably trying to put her son to sleep. She had told him to call if an emergency came up and this would classify as one. "McKay just calm down. I am radioing Jennifer now."

Rodney was going to say something but was by the look on John's face. He could see annoyance and worry in John's expression. He did not want to calm down but it did not seem like he had any say in the matter. He crossed his arms over his chest and was on the verge of a temper tantrum.

John tapped his earpiece. He hoped Jennifer had her radio with her. "Jennifer. This is John come in."

Jennifer had been trying to put Arthur to sleep but he was being abnormally fussy. Rodney was the only one who was able to calm him down when he was this worked up. She gave a frustrated sigh. "What is it?"

John could hear Arthur whimpering in the background and the tone of her voice said it all. "Rodney is awake, but there is a problem." No need to worry her more until she got here.

_A problem? _That is the last thing she wanted to hear. "What kind of problem?" Jennifer wanted to scream.

"He is asking...well more demanding to see the person in charge." John explained. He could see the annoyance on McKay's face as he talked like his friend was not there.

"What?" Jennifer wondered why John made that comment. "Never mind. We are on her way." Even if Rodney was still out of it she hoped he was well enough to get Arthur to calm down.

"Alright see you in a few." John clicked off his radio. "Are you happy now? Jennifer is on her way."

Rodney still was not too pleased. "You didn't have to talk about me like I wasn't in the room." Something dawned on him. "She's the hot blonde I was talking about. Isn't she?"

John nodded. "Yes, Rodney. She is."

McKay made a face, "Oh and I yelled at her yesterday." he sunk back into the bed. " What a great first impression. I go off questioning why a doctor is doing nurse work. Do you know if she is seeing anyone?" Rodney asked hopefully. At least help was on the way so he could focus on other matters.

It amazed John how quickly Rodney's mind could jump between different subjects."Rodney!" John exclaimed. "I am not having this conversation with you." Part of him found it amusing. Even with him not being able to remember Jennifer, Rodney was still attracted to her. He guessed memory loss could not totally erase the bond between the two of them.

"What? Why?" he asked innocently. Rodney tried to look as innocent as possible. "It is a simple question. Wait you aren't dating her are you?"

John almost had enough of the questions. "No!" he answered too quickly. "Besides she is not my type." _And by not my type I mean that she engaged to one of my best friends type._

"A lesbian then?" Rodney asked with a smirk. He did have a one track mind sometimes.

"No. You happy now?" John tried to be stern, but both men ended up laughing at each other.

As Jennifer entered the infirmary she heard John and Rodney laughing. How much of a problem could it be if both were laughing. It was nice to hear him laugh again. "What is so funny in here you two?" she was curious what John had done to get Rodney out of his shell.

Rodney had to force himself not to laugh again. "Nothing." He replied quickly. She looked even better out of base uniform. He tilted his head slightly when he noticed the fussing child in her arms.

Jennifer looked at John, "I thought you said there was a problem?" she whispered to him. She continued to try to soothe her son. It was not working. Something had to be done. Jennifer was at her wits end and she felt like bursting into tears "How are you feeling today?" she asked Rodney.

"A little better I guess. I think my fever is down." He watched as the infant turned toward his voice.

John looked between the couple. "Rodney, take Arthur while I talk to Jennifer." He hoped that holding his son might shake loose some of his memory.

Rodney's eyes widened. John knew how much kids made him uneasy and a fussy one made him even more wary. Kids did not like him and he really did not like them. He was about to protest when the baby was placed in his arms. It didn't feel as odd as he had expected it to and the kid seemed to calm down a little. Rodney watched as the two walked toward the other side of the room and they were just out of range were he could hear what they were saying.

"So it is just the two of us now." Rodney looked over where the others were talking intently. "I don't know why they left you with me. You people scare me." He said those words and yet did not feel scared. "Oh, you find that funny do you?" Arthur was smiling. "You're kind of cute, but don't let anyone hear me say that. I have reputation to protect." Rodney made a silly face which elicited a laugh from the boy. "So that's your mother?" He nodded toward Jennifer's direction. Rodney shifted Arthur so he was resting on his chest. The move seemed to further calm the infant. "She is really pretty. You are a lucky kid. So what is she like?" He did not know why he was spilling his emotions to the kid_._ "And it looks like I am boring you. I do that sometimes. Okay a lot. It's a little disconcerting when the grownups do it, but I think I can forgive you." Rodney said with a laugh. "It's okay kid." He rubbed the boy's back. Arthur yawned and clutched onto Rodney's shirt. He was stunned that this baby seemed to like him. "You can sleep. You mom will come to get you soon." He kissed the top of the boy's head. Something felt right about holding this baby.

* * *

"What's going on John?" Jennifer asked. "Everything seemed fine when I walked in."

John shook his hand. "So it would appear." He did not know how to break the news to her. She would figure it out soon enough.

Jennifer's patience was growing thing. It had to be serious with the way John was stalling.

"I think Rodney is suffering from some kind of amnesia." John explained.

"What are you talking about? His brain scans showed nothing more than a moderate concussion.." None of this made any sense to her. When she checked his chart a few hours ago his temperature had been at about 100 all day. "I thought his confusion yesterday was from his fever."

John shook his head. "He asked to speak to Carson and when I told him Carson was working out of the SGC he said that Carson came back with the whole Replicator taking over the city. He said that happened a few months ago."

It took a moment to register what John was saying. She took a few moments to gather her thoughts. If he thought Carson was still the CMO then he had no idea who she was and that was a little hard to swallow.

John could tell she was struggling to accept the news. "Rodney knows he is missing three years of his life."

Jennifer nodded and frowned. "This doesn't make any sense. " she bit her lip. "Maybe he wants to forget."

John raised an eyebrow. "Why would he want to do that? No less than a million times he has said you were the best thing that ever happened to him."

Everything made started to make sense when she took her emotions out of the equation for a moment and she let her medical training take over. "His mind is protecting its self. After everything these last few weeks... " She could feel her hands start."I think his mind retreated to a point so he wouldn't have any reminders of Elizabeth. You know what he has been like since the funeral."

John did not know what to do to comfort her. "Some parts of him have to still be there." he watched Rodney's interaction with Arthur. "That doesn't look like a man terrified of kids which he was until he learned he was having his own.. Plus Rodney said he thinks you're hot."

Jennifer laughed slightly. "You don't need to say that to make me feel better."

"I'm not just saying that." he said sincerely. "It is what we were laughing about when you came in. He asked me if you were seeing anyone. I guess the heart cannot forget what the mind might forget."

"Thanks John," Jennifer hugged her friend. She really needed to hear that. "I am going to try to talk to him now." She mentally crossed her fingers.

"So what's the verdict, doc?" Rodney asked as Jennifer approached. "I think he fell asleep." he pointed to Arthur who was fast asleep on his chest.

Jennifer smiled slightly at the sight. That was always one of Arthur's preferred ways of falling asleep. She took a deep breath before answering. "Your memory loss is psychological."

"I'm not crazy." Rodney was offended at the suggestion.

"I am not saying that you are," Jennifer knew exactly what he was trying to block out. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

John could see she was struggling. "You may be a bit messed up, but not crazy." He hoped to lighten the mood.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Rodney glared at the people before him. He didn't want to disturb the sleeping child. He looked at Jennifer. "How come you did not say anything to me yesterday?"

Jennifer narrowed her eyes. "Your fever. I thought it was confusion from your high fever."

Rodney nodded his head. "Makes sense. It still doesn't explain why you think I am crazy."

"We did not say that." John pointed out. He looked to Jennifer for help.

Jennifer did not know what to say. Rodney's apparent memory loss was hard to process. "Can we talk about this in the morning?"

Rodney nodded. It did not seem like he had much of a choice.

Sheppard thought it would be better to change the subject. "I think he suits you." John smiled at the father and son.

Rodney shrugged. "Funny John." he looked back at Jennifer. "He's starting to get a little heavy. "

"Here let me take him." Jennifer hoped he would not wake up and was grateful when Arthur only stirred slightly. "I will talk to you in the morning. You need your rest."

Rodney frowned as he noticed the ring on the doctor's finger as she took her son back. _ There goes my chance._

"Okay." Once the doctor was gone Rodney glared at John, "Why did you make me watch that kid?"

John shrugged, "Had a feeling the kid would like you."

"Why is that?"

"Had a hunch. Looks like I was right." John wondered if spending time with his son would do anything for Rodney's memory.

"He is a cute kid, but don't tell anyone I said that." Rodney threatened.

"It will be our little secret." John promised. Even if it really was not a secret.

"Is she really engaged?" Rodney asked with a frown. A nod from John confirmed. "I saw the ring when she took the kid back.

John nodded. He knew his friend would keep pestering him until he got some answers and he would give him some without revealing too much.

"Well that sucks. Is it someone on the expedition?"

Sheppard sighed. "Yes. And that is all I am giving you." Something inside him was pushing him toward Jennifer and she should be the one answering these questions. _Not as if he would believe the truth._

Rodney was pouting. "You are no fair."

John shook his head. "I may be your best friend, but there certain questions that it is not my place to answer. Any who I've got to meet Ronan for a sparring match. Will you be okay?"

"Go ahead. I am getting tired anyway." Rodney had much to think on and he could only do that alone. He was not happy with John being so cryptic, but he figured it had to be someone he knew for John to answer like that.


	13. Chapter 12 Man on a Mission

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome. I've been battling between writing and editing and the writing has been winning.**

**a/n: This is a revised copy. I took out a few lines. After some comments I realized it was dumb to have that in there. It was something I added in revision and now think it is best to, have the original.**

_**Chapter 12- Man on a Mission- 4 days after accident**_

Rodney woke up the next morning felling a lot better than the previous day. On the table next to the bed he saw his tablet computer and a tray of food with a note tucked next to it. Picking up the note, Rodney smiled at what the note said: _Your favorites, Jennifer. _Rodney was confused why she was going beyond the call of duty for one of her patients. He picked up the lid to and was glad to see chocolate chip pancakes with a side of blue jello and of course there was a nice cup of coffee. He was quite content at the moment and Rodney helped himself to his breakfast before starting his research.

His first order of business was to find out more about the pretty doctor. It was easy enough to pull up a roster of the senior staff, with him being a member. He was a little unnerved when he saw Richard Woolsey was the expedition leader. He wondered happened to Dr. Weir, but those ideas would have to wait.

_So her last name is Keller. From __Chippewa Falls. No mention of the kid. Joined the expedition in early 2007. She replaced Carson, but why?_

Pressing a few buttons Rodney took himself to the database to search all base personnel. The kid had to be listed. The IOA was a stickler for records like that. He typed Arthur Keller into the search field and was puzzled when no results came back.

Tapping away at the tablet he broaden the search so it could search by first name only. It would take a little longer to search. A few seconds later the search result in one hit. Rodney pressed the button to pull up the record. "So who is she engaged to?" His eyes widened when he read the data file on the infant.

_McKay, Arthur_

_Date of Birth: April 8, 2010_

_Place of Birth: Colorado Springs, CO_

_Department: N/A _

_Other info: Minor child of Dr. Rodney McKay and Dr. Jennifer Keller_

"What?" he stared at the screen in disbelief. _This is some kind of joke. I am going to kill Sheppard. I tell him I liked her and he does this. Way to mess with my mind._

Rodney thought Sheppard had gone too far this time. Their little pranks on each other were all well and good but this one was way over the line. He changed into his clothes that were under the bed and made his way out of the infirmary. McKay did not care if he was not supposed to be released yet. He had to have a few words with his so called best friend.

Several minutes later Rodney was at the door to John's quarters, loudly banging on the door. Atlantis was about to lose its military commander.

Sheppard had just finished getting dressed when he heard the banging on his door. He wondered who it was because whoever it was sounded pissed. As he passed his hand over the sensor he was shocked to see Rodney standing at the other side of his door. "What's wrong? They let you out of the infirmary?"

Rodney started to yell. "Did you think this would be funny? Sure lets mess around with the guy who cannot remember." His voice carried through the halls.

John was confused. "What are you talking about?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "Don't play stupid with me. I know you hacked into the city data base and changed the records."

"I did what? I did no such thing. I don't even know how to." John was really confused now. He had to wonder if Rodney was going crazy again.

Rodney balled up his fists. "I told you I liked her yesterday and then you go and change the records on her son."

Sheppard's eyes widened. "You looked in the personnel database?" He wondered other information Rodney looked into.

"Of course I did. I still am a member of the senior staff, not to mention I am the one who created that database. So why did you do it? I thought we were friends. This goes way beyond any other pranks we might have pulled." Rodney was so furious that he was shaking.

This was spiraling out of control fast and John did not know what to do. "Rodney...you have to listen to me. I did nothing to the database. Whatever you read in that file is true." He hoped his friend would believe him.

"Do I have stupid written on my face?"

John pulled the angry man into his room. "Calm down, McKay. I did nothing to the database." He tried those words again. "That is beyond cruel to do to someone you consider a friend." This was not the time to be making fun of Rodney.

Rodney carefully studied John. It seemed like he was telling the truth, but he still could not quiet believe it. "You aren't joking with me?"

"Like you said doing something like that is going too far. Three years is a long time." John was slightly offended that Rodney would think he would do something like that.

McKay shook his head. "So you are saying that I actually managed to get an attractive woman like Jennifer to agree to marry me? What is the catch?" He plopped himself onto the couch.

"She loves you. You love her. No catch."

"Really?" Rodney was having a hard time processing the information. "Then that little thing...Arthur, is my son?

"Think about logically for a second." Sheppard knew McKay could not argue with logic. "If Jennifer as Arthur's mother could not get him to calm down last night; why do you think you were able to get him to? And why didn't you not panic while holding him?"

Rodney shrugged, "The boy knows me?" he said to be meant as a joke.

John laughed. "Exactly. You told me that when he gets in a certain mood that you are the only one who is able to calm him down." Sheppard had a feeling that Rodney had not seen his daughter's entry in the database. If he had this conversation would have gone in a very different direction.

* * *

When Jennifer arrived at the infirmary she was glad when the nurse had told her Rodney was awake and that he had eaten the breakfast she had left for him. The nurse added that the last time that she had checked on Rodney that he was doing some work on his computer. _Injured and still felt the need to work._ One of his many charms that attracted her to him. Jennifer was happy that the dedication he had for his job extended to their family. She was worried when she found his bed empty and his tablet where his body should be. Keller picked up the computer to see what he had been working on. It had to be something important for him to have left it behind. She sighed when she saw it was Arthur's personnel file and now wondered what else he had looked up. She tapped her ear piece. "John, come in."

_"Yes, Jennifer."_

"Rodney is missing from the infirmary. Do you have any idea where he went?"

_"I do. He is here with me in my quarters."_

Jennifer was relieved. "Thank goodness. He left his tablet here and he's been looking into the personnel database."

_"I know. I think he has a few questions that would best to be answered by you."_

"I'll be there in a few minutes."

* * *

"Your fiancée is looking for you. She will be by in a few minutes to pick you up." John looked. "She did not sound happy about your escape."

Rodney looked up at his friend. "Seriously? Pick me up? What am I five?"

John shrugged, "Well you did leave the infirmary without being released and you almost died the other day; so even if you don't remember her, Jennifer is very worried about you."

McKay ran a hand over the back of his head and winced when he ran over the tender area where the stitches were. "You see the thing that doesn't make sense is that if I had a woman like that why the hell would I forget it?"

"I don't know." Sheppard lied. "If you still don't totally believe me; let me show you this." He rummaged through a box of photos he had brought back. _Birth announcement, not a good idea_. "Here, you are lucky I kept this." he handed over the engagement announcement that the couple had sent out. "I still do not know how she convinced you to do this."

Rodney looked at the announcement. So John was not lying to him after all. "Wow," was all he could say. "They look really happy." he commented about the picture accompanying the announcement. Rodney felt a lump form the back of this throat. All his life he had yearned for someone to look at him the way Jennifer looked at him in the picture. A look of unconditional love. He had never received it in his childhood or from any prior relationships and now the first time he has it he forgets it.

John nodded. "And still are." Then there was a knock at the door. "I'll get it." he offered, knowing it was Jennifer.

McKay took several deep breaths, this was overwhelming. He lowered his head to between his knees to try to calm himself.

John opened the door and slightly smirked. "He's all yours." he looked back at Rodney.

Jennifer smiled weakly as she entered the room. She sat next to Rodney, placing her hand on his back and looked at what was in his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"Confused." Rodney answered from his head between his knees. "You know this makes so much more sense now." he sat up straight.

"What does?" she asked.

"The other day in the infirmary. I thought your behavior was a bit unprofessional for being in charge, but seeing this." Rodney help up the announcement. "You were not there as my doctor."

The doctor nodded. "Just looking out for you." She turned to look at him and noticed he seems different from the man he was after the funeral. There was a calm about him she had not seen in a long time. "How are you feeling, physically I mean?"

"The back of my head is a little sore. My back is killing me. I feel disgusting like I haven't showered in days. I probably look like crap, but other than that I am just fine."

Jennifer laughed as he sounded like the old Rodney.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing. You are sounding like yourself again." Keller explained. "That's a good thing." she lightly squeezed his arm.

Rodney looked at the hand around his arm. "Like myself? Have I not been myself?"

Jennifer bit her lip, "Not exactly." she could not look at him in the eyes. There had to be an easier way to do this.

The confused man looked between John and the woman who was supposed to be his fiancée. "What is that supposed to mean?" Rodney looked at either for an answer.

John looked over at the woman. He knew this was very difficult for her, "I am going to wait outside." Without another word he gave the couple some privacy.

"What is going on?" His voice was shaking. Whatever she had to tell him the news was not good. "What did I do?"

Jennifer's eyes met his. "It is nothing you did." She took Rodney's hand's in hers. There was a small pause before she started to speak. She wondered if this is how he felt before he told her about Elizabeth. "Three weeks ago our daughter, Elizabeth, died."

The man felt a pit form in the bottom of his stomach. In the span of an hour he had learned that he had a son, was engaged and also had a daughter who was now dead. Rodney looked at Jennifer and was at a loss for words. "This is why I am forgetting things?"

Keller sighed, talking about this hurt. She wondered why he chose to forget her too. "I am not sure. It could be."

Rodney made a face. "Sorry." His apology was sincere. The look Jennifer was giving him was exactly like the one in the picture A small smile cracked his lips. "This is all real? I am not just lying in a coma in the infirmary and this is some delusion my brain cooked up."

Jennifer matched his smile and pressed her hand to his cheek. "It's real. You are the who put this ring on my finger last year."

"Are you going to make me go back to those tortuous beds in the infirmary?"

Jennifer shook her head. "Not unless you want to. I can take you back to our quarters if you want to rest." She wanted him to be as comfortable as possible because she knew it would help with his physical and emotional recovery.

McKay nodded. "I could use a shower." He was a little nervous about what to expect.

"Here." She offer her hand to him.

"Thank you." Rodney took her hand and stood up. He felt a chill coarse thorough his body as he held her soft hand in his. A few hairs stood up on the back of his neck. Never before could he recall such a wave of pure contentment over such a simple gesture.


	14. Chapter 13 First Glimpses

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome.**

**Chapter 13- First Glimpses**

Rodney looked around the room as he entered but nothing was familiar to him. An uncomfortable feeling started to creep up as Rodney started to think that this was not a good idea. He felt as if he voyeur looking into a life that was not his own. "Which is mine?" he asked pointing between the two sets of drawers.

"That one." Jennifer pointed to drawers on the left. Even a blind man could see he felt out of place here. "The towels are on the door in the bathroom."

Rodney nodded and went to get a clean pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. If he was going to spend the day relaxing he should be comfortable. "Are you staying?"

Jennifer shook her head. "I have a shift to finish. If you need anything call me on the radio and Arthur is with Teyla. Make sure you don't get your stitches wet." She did not want him to think she was leaving him alone with the son he could not remember.

"See you later." Rodney headed to the bathroom.

"Later." Jennifer said with disappointment. She knew she should not have gotten her hopes up too high that his memories would just come flooding back. Jennifer left the room feeling a little sad and hoped that work would take her mind temporarily off her problems.

Rodney winced as he looked at himself in the mirror. One thing was for sure; he really needed a shave. McKay let the tub fill as he shaved the stubble from his face. He stepped into the tub, hoping that the hot water would wash away some of confusion that clouded him. The bath only cleared away the physical discomfort, but his mind was still a jumble of panic and confusion. He was trying to make sense of everything now that he was alone. This was supposed to be his quarters, but nothing seemed familiar to him.

The Canadian looked around for his tablet and he could not locate it. "Must have left it somewhere." he said aloud. There was hardly anything in the room that would give Rodney the answers he was looking for. He had no choice to but to get the rest the doctor ordered. Rodney got into the bed and pulled the covers over his head. He found the bed quite comfortable as it had to be if this is where he had been sleeping for some time. As he drifted into a deeper sleep Rodney started to dream:

_Jennifer rested her head on Rodney's chest as both laid on a blanket watching the stars. "This night has been perfect." she ran a few fingers up and down along the length of his torso._

_"Glad you enjoyed it." Rodney was busy playing with her hair. "I've had this evening planned for a month."_

_"I know. It has all you been talking about for the past two days." Jennifer eyed the white box next to her lover's head. "What's in there?"_

_Rodney grinned. "Some dessert for later. I have a few things to do first." He laughed when Jennifer pouted at his vagueness._

_"Like what?" She asked._

_"A little of this." Rodney started to kiss Jennifer's neck. "And a little of that." He traced small circles on her stomach just under her shirt._

_"You are enjoying teasing me aren't you?" she asked._

_"Just a little." Rodney admitted. _

_Jennifer pouted again. "You are not being fair."_

_"I know, but you still love me." Rodney sat up, moving to place Jennifer head in his lap. "Can I ask you a question?"_

_Jennifer turned her head to look up at him. "Sure. What is it?" she was trying to read his expression, but was having a difficult time. "Loving you is questionable right now." She squirmed in his lap to return the favor of teasing._

_"I'll only ask if you promise to say yes." he said with a mischievous grin._

_"That would depend on the question." He really had Jennifer curious as to what he was up to. "What could you possibly want to ask me?" She searched his eyes for an answer._

_"Um...well... I kind of had this idea that we could make this thing between us you know...permanent." Rodney was stumbling slightly over his words._

_"Permanent? How permanent?" Jennifer felt her heart skip a beat. Was he really suggesting what she thought he was. They had never discussed the topic of marriage before. She knew his experience with Katie had left him uncertain on the topic of marriage._

_"By marrying me?" Rodney asked, holding the ring above Jennifer. He had it carefully hidden in the pocket of his shirt._

_Jennifer stared at the ring for a good twenty seconds before sitting upright. She looked between the ring and Rodney. This explained all his secret calls the past two weeks. It did not take long for an answer. "Yes. Of course I will." She wrapped her arms around Rodney and pulled his mouth to hers. There were not words to describe how happy she was. The ring was gorgeous. It was just like the one she had always wanted growing up and most importantly the man of her dreams was the one giving it to her._

_Rodney was ecstatic that she had said yes. "I hope you like it." He slid the ring onto her finger. He was not expecting an answer because the way she looked at the ring and the smile on her face said it all._

_The newly engaged woman was finding it hard to speak. She really loved this man so much that it scared her at times . She carefully eyed the white box. "Dessert time?" she said with a naughty smirk. "I love you." Jennifer pulled him in for another passionate kiss._

_"Anything you want," Rodney reached over for the box and handed it to Jennifer. He could not stop smiling._

_"What I really want I cannot have without us both getting arrested." Jennifer opened the box to find her favorite dessert from a local bakery a chocolate cupcake with extra vanilla-strawberry frosting._

_"Wickedness." Rodney shook his head. He scooped up a bit of the frosting on his finger and offered some to his now fiancée. _

_Jennifer happily licked the frosting from Rodney's finger, making sure she took extra time to make sure it was clean. "Here your turn." she did the same with the frosting._

_Rodney gladly returned the favor to make sure her finger was cleaned. It did not take long for him to realize something was terribly wrong. He could feel is throat start to close and breathing became difficult. He saw the terror in Jennifer's eyes. He reached for his pockets for his Epi-pen but it was not there. In the excitement of preparing for the evening he must have forgotten to take it before leaving the apartment._

_Jennifer dumped out her purse in panic to see if she had one in there, but there was none to be found. Panicking Jennifer grabbed her cell phone to call 911. _

Rodney bolted upright gasping for air as he was in the dream. It took almost a full minute to get his breathing under control and it was only then that he realized that a very worried Jennifer was next to him. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with his shirt.

After her shift Jennifer had brought Arthur back to the room and put him to sleep after bathing and feeding him. It was a good thing Rodney was a heavy sleeper so she did not need to worry about waking him up. She was a little surprised to see him still sleeping, but she thought the rest could do him good. Jennifer had only just fallen asleep when the man next to her woke up gasping for air. "Rodney...Rodney." she tried to get his attention, but he was in some sort of daze. She was about to call for a medical team when his breathing finally returned to normal. Jennifer had only witnessed Rodney go into anaphylactic shock once and it scared her more than anything.

Rodney looked all around the room and saw that it was dark. He must have taken quite a long nap. The physicist nodded. "I'm fine. Just a dream." He was still sweating and his heart was racing.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" the doctor asked. She was curious what kind of dream could make him wake up gasping for breath.

"Did you ever have one of those dreams where you were gasping for air and woke up doing just that?" he asked.

Jennifer shook her head. "Not exactly. What was a dream about?" she pressed, but did not want to press too hard.

Rodney nodded and began to explain the dream from beginning to end and became puzzled when Jennifer started to smile. "I don't find that very funny." he was offended.

Jennifer knew it was not funny. It had been a very terrifying evening for both of them. "You left your Epi-Pen on the kitchen counter and we found out the next day that the bakery had put orange juice in the frosting."

Rodney looked at her confused. "I've had this dream before?" he asked.

Jennifer shook her head. "No. It wasn't just a dream. We spent the rest of the night in the emergency room." She wondered if his memory was starting to come back.

_That explains the smile. _He had a dream that was really a memory. He hoped this was only the beginning of them returning. Rodney had enjoyed the feelings he felt. They were amazing and intense. "Some night that must have been." Rodney turned his head to look at Jennifer.

Of all the things for him to remember first; Jennifer was happy that it was the night they got engaged. "It was." she smiled. "The night was far from dull."

Rodney was confused. "What else could have happened?" He thought by her tone that there was something else.

Jennifer pondered if she should go forward. "After fussing over you in the ER I almost passed out. The doctor wanted to run some tests. That's when they told us I was pregnant." There was a hint of sadness in her smile.

"Engaged and we learned that we were going to be parents in the same day. Things haven't been dull haven't they? Then again life here is never dull." Rodney was finding everything really amusing.

Jennifer nodded. She did not miss his use of the words _we learned_. Something was still off even though she could tell that Rodney was much more relaxed than he had been in weeks.

Rodney drew his knees up to his chest and hugged them tight to his chest. Fear was setting in again, but it was different from earlier. He was now scared that he wouldn't get the rest of his memories back. He turned his head away. "What if they never come back?"

Keller sighed and rubbed Rodney's back. "They will." If she believed it maybe he would do.

"How can you be sure?" Rodney asked felling very vulnerable. "What if they are lost forever?"

Jennifer scooted closer to Rodney pulling him into a half-hug. She hoped he was not scared off by her actions. "Your memories aren't lost. They are just locked away somewhere." She put her head on his shoulder.

There was something comforting about being in her embrace. Rodney rested his head against Jennifer's. He sighed softly. "It's odd, you know. I cannot remember loving you but somehow I know I love you. It is an odd thing to say, probably not the smartest thing I can say. I want to know why I feel this way. It's a pretty amazing feeling. One I don't want to let go of."

Jennifer had mixed feelings about his comment. It stung that he said he could not remember loving her, but it gave her hope to hear Rodney say that he knew he loved her. "The heart cannot forget what the mind might forget." She recalled John's words from the previous day.

"So it may seem." Rodney said with a slight chuckle. "It's a good thing, right?"

"It is." Jennifer agreed. She reached for his hand, lacing her fingers into his. It was nice to sit like this with him. It was a small symbol of normalcy even if there was nothing normal about this.

"Did we ever set a date?" Having done some math he had figured it was a little over a year that they had been engaged. "Oh we did, didn't we?" he felt Jennifer stiffen next to him.

The question had taken Jennifer by surprise."Yes."

Rodney felt bad for asking the question, "Sorry."

"It's okay." It really wasn't okay. She did not want Rodney to feel worse than he all ready did. "We hadn't really discussed what we were going to do since the funeral." Not that he had said much of anything to her since that day.

It did not take a genius to figure out that he was treading into painful territory. "What happened to her? What happened with Elizabeth?" Something told Rodney that whatever had happened had something to do with why he was repressing his memories.

Jennifer took a deep breath and felt tears well up. It was the one memory he needed to remember on his own. She loved him too much to have to put him through that kind of pain. "She died in her sleep." Jennifer whispered, tightening her grip on him.

That was not the answer Rodney had wanted to hear as he wanted to know more. He sighed, wondering if her reluctance to tell him meant he had something to do with his daughter's death. Any thoughts of that were interrupted by a rumble from his stomach.

The noise from Rodney's stomach made Jennifer laugh. Leave it to his stomach to break the tension. "When's the last time you ate?"

"The breakfast you left me this morning." Rodney had spent the better part of the day sleeping so he did not have a chance to eat. "I guess I could use something to eat."

"Me too." Jennifer admitted. "Want me to order something?"

"Sure." Rodney pulled away so he could get out of bed. He stretched to get out the stiffness from his nap. "They have Salisbury steak?" he asked.

"I think they do." Jennifer reached for her earwig and placed a call to the mess and placed an order for two salisbury steaks. She noticed Rodney fidgeting and rubbing his lower back. "Back still hurting?"

McKay nodded "A little. How did I manage to fall of the pier?"

Jennifer got up, standing behind him and started to massage Rodney's back. "You hadn't been eating and your hypoglycemia caused you to pass out. You were with John and Ronan so they jumped in and pulled you out."

Rodney closed his eyes as the massage felt really nice. "That's nice," he said with a slight sigh. "Where'd you learn to do that?"

Jennifer smiled at his reaction. At least he was allowing her to do this for him, "You. Used..."

"Do it almost every night the last four months of your pregnancy." McKay did not know where that came from.

"That you did." Her hands stopped on his shoulders. "It was very sweet of you to take those classes. You knew how much my back was bothering me the bigger I got."

Rodney smirked. "This is a start, right?"

Jennifer nodded. "And I will be here to help you through it." She wished she would have spoken those words to him after the funeral, but she took it for granted that it did not need to be said.


	15. Chapter 14 Random Encounters

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome. Being away for a week gave me the time to finish up this story.**

_Chapter 14- Random Encounters _

A couple of days had passed without any more of Rodney's memories returning. He was enjoying spending time with Jennifer and Arthur so they could create new memories. The more he spent time with the both of them the more he wanted his memories to return. Rodney also felt a sadness that he could not remember Elizabeth and when he asked about her everyone changed the subject. He knew they were trying to protect him, but he did not understand why. Radek and Jennifer both told him that it was a memory he had to recall on his own and that only frustrated him more. For now he had to push those thoughts aside and enjoy the afternoon he was having with his son.

The father and son had just finished a meal in the mess hall, more like Rodney ate a large lunch and he was about to feed Arthur, when Katie Brown sat across from him. Rodney frowned, whatever she wanted it could not be good. He did not know why they broke up, but his gut told him things ended badly between them. McKay was not in the mood for a conversation with her especially if she did not know he could not remember the last three and half years so he concentrated on feeding his son.

It had taken Katie a long time to build up the courage to talk to her ex and she needed to get some things off her chest. This was one of the first times she had seen him since the funeral. She smiled sadly as he seemed content feeding his son. "Rodney?" she finally spoke.

McKay looked up at the woman. "Katie?" he matched her tone. He was not going to give more than he had to. Rodney was getting an uncomfortable vibe from this woman.

The botanist kept of switching looks from her hands to Rodney. Now that she was here she didn't know what to say to him. "I am sorry to hear about Elizabeth."

Rodney rolled his eyes and glared. "Is there something else you wanted?" He detested when people said sorry for something that they could not possibly understand.

Katie knew he was always to the point with things. "I didn't know what to expect when I asked to come back."

"And this was the last thing you expected?" He down at Arthur who was still enjoying his bottle.

"That is an understatement." Katie said with a slight laugh. "You could have just told me the truth."

Rodney was confused. "The truth?" He wondered if his breakup up Katie had anything to do with Jennifer.

"If you wanted to be with someone else you should have said something instead of..." The woman was not happy that he seemed to be playing ignorant.

"Instead of what?" Rodney asked. Obviously word had not got to her about his amnesia.

"Just before I left the first time I saw the two of you together, looking more than friendly." She shook her head. "The truth would have been nice. I wouldn't have had to waste my time wondering."

McKay raised his hand with the bottle to stop where ever she was going with this. "Let me stop you there. The last three years of my life are a little fuzzy. And by fuzzy I mean I recall next to nothing and that includes what ever happened between us and most importantly the birth of my children. So whatever you were looking for I cannot help. " Arthur started to cry when he realized he was not getting his bottle back any time soon. "Daddy's sorry." he said to the boy and returned the bottle to his mouth. "Don't be mad at me." He kissed the top of his son's head. "This is my life now. I may not remember it, but it is a life I know I want. I've never had these feelings this intense before. My family means everything to me." It was not the right thing to say to her, but with she was pressing him for something he could not recall.

Katie looked at the man in front of her. He had changed drastically since she last saw him and he seemed genuinely happy with his life. She had hoped to have another chance with him, but seeing him like this she knew that chance would never come. "Have a good life, Rodney." The botanist had to force herself to be happy seeing that he was happy. Katie had never seen him this happy when he was with her. "See you around." Katie left the mess hall, almost running into Teyla on her way out.

Rodney shook his head when the woman left. "That was very strange." He removed the bottle from his son when it was done. "Don't worry I am not going anywhere. I love you and your mom more than anything. I just have to remember first." McKay propped the boy up on his shoulder so he could be burped. He smiled when Teyla approached him at least it was a friendly face.

Teyla approached Rodney after taking food for herself. She had not had a chance to talk to him since his accident. "How are you feeling today, Rodney?" she asked, sitting across from him. It made her smile to watch Rodney with his son.

"Okay all things considering."

"Was that Katie Brown I saw leaving?" The Athosian asked.

Rodney nodded in affirmation. "It was a little odd. She wanted me to know things I couldn't. I don't know what happened between us. She thinks that Jennifer might have had something to do with what happened. Did it?" he asked.

Teyla shook her head. "I do not believe so. Jennifer was around for a year before Katie left. Have you remembered anything?"

"The only things I remember clearly are asking Jennifer to marry me and that I used to give her back massages later on in her pregnancy." He sighed. "There are other little things I remember but I don't know if they are from before or after and then there are the things I was told about. Everything is a bit of a jumble. I know I should be panicking and the fact that I am not is almost making me panic."

"Have you thought about meditation?" She offered, knowing he was never big on the idea. If there was a chance that it could help she would help him if he was will.

Rodney made a face because he was not too sure if it would work. "I don't know. I've been trying hard to remember things, but it is not working. I cannot return to my regular duties until I can remember what I was working on. Part of me is going crazy not being able to work and the other part is content with just spending time with Arthur." McKay rubbed his son's back.

"Perhaps you are trying too hard. It has only been a week." Teyla suggested. "Having children changes you." She was speaking from experience and she also had seen the change in Rodney. "Go with your instincts, Rodney." She believed it was those instincts that were keeping him from panicking.

"Thank you, Teyla." He was sincere in those sentiments. "There is just something about the way his face lights when I come into the room. I don't know how to explain it."

Teyla smiled, "Yes, I know the feeling. It is a pretty great feeling."

* * *

Jennifer was in the middle of working on some paper work when she saw Radek walk in holding his bloody right hand. "Radek, what happened?" she guided the scientist to a free bed.

"Miko dropped a coffee pot. I cut myself picking up the pieces." Zelenka felt a little foolish for a simple and careless injury.

"Let me take a look at that." She started to clean the wound. "It looks like it might need a few stitches."

"Thank you." The Czech looked away as she stitched his hand.

"There all done." Jennifer said as she finished up. "Come see me in a week to remove the stitches."

Radek slid off the bed. "How's Rodney been? The lab is really quiet without him around."

Keller laughed at his comment. "Does that mean you miss having him around?"

He shrugged, "Maybe a little. Don't tell him I said that. You know he would never let me live it down."

"I won't tell him." Jennifer shook her head.

"You know I was worried about him for a while." Zelenka was not sure if he should be having this conversation with her.

"I still am." She admitted. "You were there with him those days he stayed in his lab?"

Radek nodded. "I was the only one he didn't scare off. Maybe I should have said something, but I promised I wouldn't say anything. "

Jennifer twisted her engagement ring around her finger. "I don't think it would have made much of a difference. We know how stubborn he is. Thank you for being there for him."

Zelenka nodded. "You are welcome." He looked at his now bandaged hand. "How have you been holding up with everything?"

The woman sighed and gave Radek a half smile. "It's hard." Jennifer answered truthfully. "I know Rodney has been trying to remember, but it has been a slow process."

Radek could tell she was struggling, "He's stubborn and he won't give up until he remembers everything."

Jennifer laughed, "That is for sure. The sooner the better for me." She then fell silent. "I want to know why he forgot so much. Why me?" The fact that Rodney had forgotten almost all of the time they spent together hurt more than Jennifer would ever admit a loud to anyone. Most nights after Rodney had fallen asleep she would find herself crying as she watched him. Knowing he felt some of the emotions he had took a small sting out of the hurt.

Zelenka looked down and sighed.

"What is it Radek?" She wondered if he knew anything.

"There is something I found." He shook his head. Radek knew this was not any of his business, but part of him felt obligated to say something. "I found a notebook the other day. I wasn't sure what it was. I only read a few lines and realized it was that diary he complained that Carson was making him keep. If you want it, the book is in his desk."

"I don't know." Jennifer rubbed her hands together. She did not want to invade his privacy like that. If he had wanted her to know what was going on he would have done so. On the other hand something had to happen that made him move out of their quarters into his lab and actively avoid her for days. "I'll think about it." This would be a decision that would not be easy to make as she thought there could be something in the journal that could help with his memory.


	16. Chapter 15 This was supposed to be our

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome. Being away for a week gave me the time to finish up this story.**

_Chapter 15- This was supposed to be our wedding day?_

Rodney was glad he was finally allowed to return to light duty even if he was only running some diagnostics on the jumpers. The stitches had been removed from the back of his head before coming on duty. McKay was a little disappointed that Jennifer was not in the infirmary when he was there and he found it a little odd that everyone was acting strangely around him. Stanger than normal and he wondered what that was all about.

It had been a few days since he had talked to Teyla and he started to consider the idea of meditation. Nothing else was coming back to him and he was growing more frustrated by the day. He was about to finish work on Jumper 6 when he heard Sheppard and Lorne talking.

"Do you think they will ever reschedule? A wedding would have been nice." Lorne looked over at his commanding officer.

"Major, I never took you to be the romantic type." John teased his second in command.

"Colonel, it's not like that. I just thought as best man you might be privy to some information. A bachelor party is your obligation."

"So that is what you are after. The party?" Sheppard laughed and shook his head. "I am not, but I will make sure that when McKay get his memory back that he reschedules that wedding."

"Have you seen either of the docs today?"

John shook his head. "Neither of them." He figured Jennifer did not want to be around people today. "But I heard from Woolsey that Rodney is running some tests around the city."

Lorne nodded. "Does McKay know he was supposed to get married today?"

"No. Keller did not want..." The colonel was interrupted by a loud noise from one of the jumpers.

Rodney had heard the conversation and he was not happy. He was tired of feeling like people were walking on eggshells around him. No one wanted to tell him exactly what happened with Elizabeth and now he just found out today was supposed to be his wedding day. "And no one thought that I should be invited to the party?" McKay stepped out from the jumper.

John was startled as Rodney immerged. "What are you doing here?"

"Running diagnostics on the jumpers." Rodney said flatly. "How come you did not say anything?" He sighed, feeling angry. "It is no wonder I cannot remember anything. No one will tell me anything Did anyone think to say _Hey, Rodney you know that woman you live with; well today you were supposed to be marrying her._ Why do I get the feeling that you are purposely keeping the truth from me? What are you afraid of?"

Sheppard looked over at Lorne as if he should have an answer, but of course he did not. "Jennifer did not want to put any more pressure on you. It has been only a little over a week. You can't force these things."

"Did anyone think to ask what I want?" Rodney snapped.

"Rodney..." John looked at his friend, knowing he would never be able to fathom what he was going through. "You should be talking to Jennifer about this." He had to wonder if the other doctor was hiding as this day was probably not easy for her and she did not want to be around people.

Lorne felt out of place in this conversation and thought he had stayed a longer then he should have. "I'll be in the control room when you are ready." he said to John before leaving.

"But you are here now." Rodney countered.

John felt that this is a conversation he should be having with his fiancée. As his best friend he wanted to help, but root of his memory loss had to do with Jennifer. "McKay, I am not the one you can't remember. As much as I would like to help you..."

"I need to talk to Jennifer.' Rodney interrupted. "It all goes back to her."

"Exactly." John agreed. "She is the one you are supposed to be marrying. I am not the one you are marrying."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Funny. Besides you would look better in a dress than me. You have more of the girlish figure. Also white does not go with my complexion."

"Oh and his sense of humor is back." Sheppard feigned being hurt.

"Stuff it."

"Talk to her. Pester her for answers. You're good at that. I know you longer, but she knows you better." John advised.

"Jealous, much?" Rodney quipped.

"You wish." John missed this playful bantering.

"Your one true love is waiting for you. She is all ready for you to take her out." McKay pointed to the jumper her had just come out of.

Sheppard smirked. "I knew you were good for something. I knew there was a reason we kept you around." John slapped his friend's shoulder and headed toward the jumper.

"Keep it up and will make my homemade depilatory and switch it with your conditioner again."

John peeked his head out from the jumper. "That's how you did it? Wait? You remember that?"

Rodney shrugged. "Kind of. Why?"

"Because that happened after you and Jennifer returned after your _first date._ I pissed you off big time and you got revenge." The memory of being bald for several weeks would always be fresh in his mind.

McKay made a face. "Hmmm." He was not pleased that he remembered something like that. "Well whatever you did you probably deserved it." Rodney said with a huff as he walked away, a plan formulating in his head.

* * *

Jennifer had waited several days before she asked Radek for Rodney's journal. It was not a decision she made lightly. She did not want to invade his privacy, but Jennifer thought if she knew what was going on with him before the accident that she could help him get his memory back. Another deciding factor was that today was supposed to be their wedding day and she felt if something was not done that they would never get chance to have another.

She was sitting on a bench overlooking the water , her heart breaking as she read each of his entries. Jennifer did not realize how bad things were for him and by the time she read his fourth entry she could hardly see through the tears. _Why doesn't she see me as the monster my daughter claims me to be?_ "You are not a monster." she whispered aloud. _He took the Ipod to block out the hallucinations._ "Rodney, why didn't you say something? Stubborn ass." Jennifer stared at the last entry for what seemed like forever. The words on that page were permanently burned into her mind.

_Why does Jennifer insist on trying to find me? I know it is because she wants to tell me that I am a monster. If Elizabeth is to be trusted she says that Jennifer wants to give me the ring back and tell me that I can never see Arthur again. So the way I see it is if I avoid her and visit Arthur when she is sleeping that way things don't have to be over. As my daughter has told me every day since she starting visiting that it was only a matter of time before I messed up the best thing that I ever had. It took me a little under two years get the most amazing woman in the universe to hate me, destroying both our lives in the process._

The longer Jennifer looked at the words the more upset she became. She was now realizing why his mind had repressed all memories of her; Rodney thought she hated him and that he would have his son taken away from him. The doctor was sobbing uncontrollably as she felt as she had failed the man she loved. "I could never hate you. Arthur and I needed you and still do. I don't blame you. I still want to marry you." She talked to the notebook as if it were Rodney himself. She wanted to do nothing other than to wrap her arms around him and tell him how wrong he had been.

Jennifer clutched the book to her chest as she cried. She never saw the figure in the shadows watching her.

Rodney had watched the woman cry for several moments and he felt as if he should be doing something. He never saw the book she was holding and assumed that the show of emotion was because their aborted nuptials. "I will make you smile by the end of the day." he said soft enough so she would not hear.


	17. Chapter 16 The Way it Should Be

**Rating:** T

**Spoilers**: Season 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the characters or Stargate: Atlantis

**Please leave reviews. They are always welcome. Being away for a week gave me the time to finish up this story.**

_Chapter 16- The Way it Should be_

After a few moments Jennifer pulled herself together and decided she would try to find Rodney. She had put off telling the truth long enough. She reached up and tapped her ear piece. "Rodney come in." She figured he should have his radio on knowing he was allowed to return to light duty today. Jennifer tried unsuccessfully several more times and then tried his other partner in crime. "Sheppard, come in."

_John was still playing around in the jumper, "Yes, Keller. What is it?" He swore she was picking up more and more of Rodney's habits every day._

"I'm looking for Rodney. Have you seen him?" She asked.

_"Why is it every time you are looking for him you call me?"_

"Because you are his best friend and he is not answering on the radio"

_"Good point. Actually I saw him about a half hour ago. He went looking for you."_

Jennifer sighed. "I will try him again. Thanks." She tried again to raise him on the radio but was still unsuccessful. Jennifer headed toward Rodney's lab, hoping he would be there. The lab was deserted and she found that odd. She started to become worried that something could be wrong and headed to the infirmary if Rodney were to show up there.

After several hours and no sign of Rodney, Jennifer picked her son up from the control room where Amelia was showing the boy the finer points of the control room. "Thanks." She said as she took her son back from the technician. "You haven't seen Rodney recently?" The doctor was wondering where he disappeared to.

Amelia shook her head. "Not since this morning."

Jennifer shook her head as she left the control room, her concern growing. She was worried that Rodney was actively avoiding her because he had left John hours ago to find her and no one has seen him in hours. "You haven't seen him, have you? Jennifer asked her son. Not as if she would get an answer from him. The mother and son were headed to the mess hall when she heard her radio crackle.

It had taken a better part of the day, but Rodney had finally put the finishing touches on his plans for his evening with Jennifer. He had been relying on instincts to figure out some of Jennifer's favorites things. He hoped he had gotten things right and time would only tell. Rodney knew he could never fully make up for messing up their wedding day, but hoped his plan could at least make her smile. McKay had watched as she headed to the mess hall and chose this to be the time put his plan into motion. "Jennifer come in."

She was relieved when his voice came over the radio. _Finally._ Jennifer wanted to yell at him for having her worried, but that urge vanished as soon as she heard his voice. "Rodney! Everything okay?"

Rodney wondered if that was worry he heard in her voice. "Everything is fine."

"Where are you? I was about to get some dinner with Arthur. Do you want to join us?"

"Turn around." Rodney peeked out from where he was hiding.

Jennifer did as she told and wondered what state he was going to be in. She smirked as saw him trying to keep a straight face as his lip twitched. He was fighting not to smile. _He's up to something._

"What?" He tried not to laugh.

"Nothing," She shook her head as she walked toward him. "Joining us for dinner?"

Rodney shook his head. "Can't." He was trying his best not to smile.

Jennifer frowned. "Okay." She felt hurt. "If you have other plans."

"I do." He let a smile crack. "But they entail you joining me for dinner." Semantics could be a tricky thing.

_Teasing me._ _That's a good sign_. "Are you asking me out on a date?" The woman's mood suddenly changed. She figured this is why he probably disappeared for a good part of the day and wondered what he had planned.

"Can we still go on dates?" Rodney asked before kissing the top of his son's head. "Aren't we a little past dating?"

Jennifer pouted. So much for his romantic side still being one of the things he remembered. "Come on. What do you have planned for me?" She decided it was not best to push him too much. She still had a few things to talk to him about.

"That is my secret. You are just going to have to wait." He offered his hand to her. "Shall we?" Rodney flashed one of his special grins.

"If you insist." She slipped her free hand into his. That grin of his was infectious and she had missed it very much. "Come on Rodney. Can I have one little hint? Please."

Rodney shook his head. "Your mommy was never one to be very patient. You will have to get used it. We just tease her when she gets like this. Just stick with me and I'll teach you want to do."

Jennifer glared at Rodney. She wanted to be mad at him for teasing her, but he was sounding like his old self. She had sorely missed their bantering. "Sure go ahead and corrupt my son. I'll teach him to hide your coffee when you get cranky."

"You wouldn't?" He looked shocked that she could ever suggest that.

"Just try me." She held a straight face for about ten seconds before she broke down laughing. It felt wonderful to laugh again.

Rodney stopped at the door to their quarters, a serious expression on his face. "I've been trying the best I can. To remember, I mean."

"I know you have." Jennifer squeezed his hand reassuringly.

He waved his hand in front of the door panel and the door slide open. "I am going to take Teyla up on her offer of meditation. Maybe it will help."

Jennifer looked around their room and saw nothing different and was wondering what his plans were. "Don't push yourself too hard." She planned on waiting until later to tell him the why she thought he was blocking out his memories.

Rodney turned to Jennifer and smiled. "I overheard Sheppard and Lorne talking earlier. I know what today was supposed to be . There is nothing I can do to make it up to you, but I wanted to do something to let you know how much you mean to me."

"Oh, Rodney." Jennifer sighed. "You didn't have to do anything." She was touched that he tried to do something for her. _His heart is in the right place._

"Let me take Arthur. I'll put him to sleep and you can go take a bath. There is a surprise in there for you. Dinner should be served by the time you are done."

She handed her son off to his father. "I look forward to it." Jennifer said with a slight smile before she headed to the bathroom. _Things are finally looking up. _She was pleasantly surprised when she saw that Rodney had brought in her favorite bubble bath. The couple had taken many baths together using that bubble bath.

It took almost a half hour to get Arthur to sleep and Rodney saw that Jennifer was still in the bathroom. He knocked on the door. "Are you okay in there?"

Jennifer must have fallen asleep and the knock on the door woke her up. "Fine."

"You sure?" Rodney opened the door and poked his head in. "You've been in here a while."

She nodded. "Come in." Jennifer waved him into the bathroom. "I must have fallen asleep."

He smiled as he moved to sit on the edge of the tub. She really was beautiful. "I have to go pick up the food in a few minutes. Arthur finally fell asleep. You enjoying the bath?"

Jennifer nodded. "Very much." She reached for his hand. "Thank you. What are you getting us to eat?"

Rodney gave her a sly grin. "Not so fast. You are not going to get that out of me."

"No fair." She splashed him with some water.

"Hey." McKay laughed as the water splashed on his pants. "Everyone is going to think I went my pants."

"Oh well." Jennifer said innocently. This was just like old times. "You are just going to have to change."

"Are you just trying to get me out of my clothes?" Rodney teased.

"Funny." She bit her lip. "It is not like I haven't seen it all before. " Jennifer was not sure if she should be teasing him, but it came naturally when he started teasing her.

He was enjoying the bantering between them. It felt very natural as if they did this often. "I still think you just want to get me out of my clothes." Rodney got up and headed for the door.

"I love the scar on your ass." Jennifer called after him.

Once she was alone Jennifer got out of the tub and then changed into a low cut green dress. She rarely got a chance to dress up while on base and she only had one person to impress and he was getting their food now.

It took Rodney only five minutes to make the round trip from the mess hall to their quarters. With his hands full from the food he had to knock on the door with his foot. When Jennifer opened the Rodney was stunned by the sight in front of him. "Wow. You look hot." His mouth hung open.

"Glad you like it." Jennifer spun around to show off the dress.

He could not keep his eyes off of her as he entered the room to put the food on the table.

"Now you can tell me what you got us?" Jennifer tried to peek at the trays of food.

"Are you always this impatient?" Rodney made a face as he put the trays on the table.

"Only when you get like this." She pouted.

"Sit." McKay pulled out the chair for his fiancée.

Jennifer did as she was told and Rodney took the chair across from her. "Smells good." She lifted the cover to the tray. "Good choice." She pointed to the steak and french fries on the plate. "I don't think your memories are as lost as you think they are."

Rodney looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"It is the small things. Things you probably don't even realize."

"Really? Like what?" He was clueless and needed to have things pointed out to him.

Jennifer smiled. "Our favorite meal, the bubble bath and the way you've been acting."

"They way I've been acting?" Rodney was not sure what she was meaning. Was it a good or a bad thing?

She shook her head. "Like you haven't lost your memory at all. It took almost two years for either of us to admit there was something between us. It has only been a little over a week since your accident and you are acting like you have been since we've been together and before you ask, yes that is a good thing. A very good thing." She paused for a second before continuing. "There is a part you that wants you to forget what happened with Elizabeth, but the other part of you won't let you forget what Arthur and I mean to you."

Rodney laid his fork on his plate. "Why is it everyone, you included, freezes up when I ask what happens? Is it so horrible what happened that everyone refuses to tell me?"

Jennifer sighed and rubbed the back of her neck. "It is more of the what happened after."

"And?" There had to be a reason he was blocking all this out. "Just tell me." This was not exactly how he had planned the evening to go.

"Alright." She swallowed hard. "Your team and I were supposed to on a mission, but during the briefing Radek called in and said there was a problem with power surges in one of the labs. You stayed behind to fix the problem. When you were done you went to pick Arthur and Elizabeth up from Marie. When you got back here Elizabeth was falling asleep so you put her down in her crib, but Arthur wasn't ready to be put down yet. You stayed with him for a while and when you went to put him down that is when you noticed Elizabeth wasn't breathing." By this time Jennifer's voice was shaking. She wiped a few tears from her eyes. It was not easy to talk about Elizabeth and she was sure that it would never become easy.

Rodney listened to the story and could feel the knots form in his stomach. "I was supposed to be watching her."

Jennifer shook her head. "It wasn't your fault. There was nothing that could have been done."

He could not look at her in the eyes. "Oh, god." He sighed. "I saw her." Rodney felt a lump in his throat. "She said things to me."

"I know." She said quietly.

"She said horrible things to me." There was a look of sheer terror on his face. "They are all true aren't they?"

Jennifer shook her head, afraid that this was going to happen "Rodney, look at me." She reached across the table to take his hands.

Rodney was not listening as it felt like a dam had broken and everything was rushing back. The memory of contestant mental assault from his hallucination made it feel as someone had stabbed him in the stomach with a knife. He stood up quickly, knocking his chair back. He looked at the door as if he was ready to bolt. _I'm a monster._

She followed where his eyes went, "Rodney, don't. Those things she said to you aren't true." Jennifer had to get through him somehow. He remembered something and she had to know what. "What did you remember?"

His eyes darted around nervously. "Everything." Rodney could feel a panic attack coming on, his heart was beating rapidly and he was sweating.

Jennifer stood in front of Rodney and raised her hands to take his face in her hands. She had to get him to look at her in the eyes. She sighed as he seemed so lost. "Look at me." She could feel his pulse racing and him fighting to break her gaze. "You are not anything she said you were. That was your mind playing games with you."

"Jennifer, how can you say that? " Rodney could not understand why she did not blame him for killing their daughter. "It was only a matter of time before I screw this up and got you to hate me."

"Because it is the truth. I am not letting you go down this path again. You did not kill Elizabeth and you are not a monster. How can you honestly think that I would ever hate you? You may be frustrating at times, but you are the other half of me." She cracked a small smile. "There is nobody else I could imagine spending the rest of my life with. I am never going to leave you and never take our son away from you."

Rodney was not sure if it was the way she looked at him or her words, but they were having an effect on him like they always did. "We can't let you go around with only as half a person." Even after almost two years he was still amazed that he had someone who loved him unconditionally and put up with all his quirks . Rodney knew this was the kind of love that people search their whole lives for and that only a lucky few find. That is if you listen to those sentimental types and being around Jennifer brought that side out in him. Some days he wondered if he would wake up and find out that she was just a dream and he would be alone.

"That is more like it." Jennifer circled her arms around his waist. It was hard on her sometimes to watch Rodney question that he deserved her. She knew the whispers were still there; people questioning why she was with him, but they didn't know the man she knew. The man who with one smile could lift her out of the worst mood. The man who made her laugh even at his corny jokes. The way he looked at her and made her feel as if she was only woman in the room. The man who held her all night as he cried the night her father died and was the one who made all the funeral arrangements because she couldn't handle it and did not complain once.

"I miss her." Rodney rested her head on top of hers, a few tears escaping his eyes.

"I do too." She whispered as she buried her head in his chest. "Please don't leave me this time. I need you."

He bit his lip and nodded. "I won't." Rodney hugged her tightly. "I need you too. I feel like an idiot."

"Why?" Jennifer asked, playing with the buttons of his shirt.

"For forgetting you and our children." He kissed her forehead.

Keller sighed. It stung that he had forgot her. She knew it had stemmed from his self-esteem issues. She thought he gotten past it when he put the ring on her finger. Losing Elizabeth had to reopen some of those old wounds. "Just don't forget your family again." She looked into his blue eyes and leaned into kiss him, their first kiss in over a month.

Rodney smiled as he pulled away from the kiss. _Family_, he smiled to himself. His family growing up was a joke and being a in another galaxy made any meaningful relationship with his sister difficult, the surrogate family he had with John and the others was something but it wasn't the kind of family he had always yearned for growing up and that is what he had with Jennifer and Arthur. "How did I ever get so lucky?"

She tilted her head and traced the outline of his jaw with her finger. "Luck has nothing to do with it. We are meant to be."

He smiled at her comment, still thinking luck did play a part in it. "We have a wedding that needs to be rescheduled …that is if you still want me."

Jennifer gave a playful smirk. " To marry the man of my dreams or not? That is such a difficult decision." As to give her answer, she pulled him in for a passionate kiss.

**THE END?**


End file.
